Congressional Plot To Ban Toilet Paper

By VICKIE YORK

WASHINGTON -- This might be a good week to stock up on extra toilet paper -- because wild-eyed environmentalists and their congressional "puppets" are trying to slap a nationwide ban on the stuff!

Crusading tree-huggers say the average American uses "literally tons" of toilet paper in his or her lifetime, and the wasteful practice is destroying the country's forest lands.

"We are flushing our nation's most precious natural resource -- our trees -- down the toilet," warns Mandy Thybolt, spokesperson for a coalition of 18 environmental groups that are fighting for the bathroom-tissue ban. "We must put a stop to it now."

Surprisingly, Washington insiders say the conservation lobby has enough votes to push through the bill -- even though President George Bush has privately vowed "to fight it tooth and nail."

"While the war has inflated the President's poll numbers, his people know he's very vulnerable on the environmental issues and with a midterm election coming up, this is a battle he could lose," said a Capitol Hill source.

Wealthy folks who've gotten wind of the plan are already stockpiling toilet paper -- and, ironically, the potty paper panic has fueled an increase in bathroom-tissue sales.

But don't count on squirreling away a secret stash of TP. "If necessary, the government may have to send people door to door to confiscate illicit toilet paper," Thybolt notes sternly.

The paper industry is urging Americans to fight the proposed ban.

"They're about to wipe away one of our most cherished freedoms," says an insider.

But environmentalists insist the naysayers are just being a "bunch of greedy resource abusers" and point to the many more Earth-friendly ways to tidy one's bottom.

Among the options:

Fallen leaves: "Many folks have thousands just sitting in their yard," says Thybolt.

Bidets: These nifty devices, popular in Europe, cleanse with water instead of paper.

Cloth towels: "These are easy to wash and reuse," Thybolt says. "And most people actually find them more gentle than toilet paper."