Cason Point

by Richard Cason

Before I get into the column this month, an update ... or three: Regarding January's column about the pathetic state of music; well, there's this band from El Paso, Texas, who call themselves At the Drive-In. They're a little different but they rock and they might just be the next real thing. Check 'em out.

Regarding February's column about the pathetic 13-year-old boy who set himself on fire after viewing an episode of "Jackass," it looks like you babies (not you, the reader, but you know) got your way. "Jackass" has returned from hiatus with new episodes only to be kicked back to, like, 10:47 on Sunday nights. Also, during the more "risky" stunts performed on "Jackass," they now display a continuous disclaimer that scrolls vertically on the bottom of your TV screen.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I see now that that poor boy would have never set himself on fire if "Jackass" had originally run a scrolling disclaimer that the boy would mistake for a severe tsunami warning and disregard anyway because, let's face it, 13-year-olds just don't care about the weather.

"OK, Cason, so maybe the disclaimer isn't the miracle cure but what about the later time slot? Huh!? It's foolproof; I mean, what are the chances of the kid watching that program if it's not on until 10:47 on a Sunday night!" Pretty good if his parents are the type who let him stay up that late on a school night -- if they even have him enrolled in school.

Finally, regarding last month's column about the pathetic service and their lack of accuracy when the jerks at the restaurant take your order, try this: Have your order already written down on a piece of paper when you walk in. When she comes to your table, give her your self-written order and remember, it is important that you don't say a word.

Stress the fact that it is imperative to get your order correct by opening your eyes as wide as you can and look crazed while you stiff-handedly point to everything that you have written down.

She'll know then that you're not to be trifled with.

Now that we've caught-up and we're on the same page, I would like to discuss awards shows.

It seems as though you cannot turn on your TV without seeing an advertisement for an awards show or an encore presentation for the 83rd time of an awards show. It's really strange how all week you manage to avoid the original broadcast but on the weekends the encore will find you.

Awards shows essentially break down into two different categories: Those that contain a shred of importance and value, and those that are slapped together by pinhead TV executives who know that teenage girls will watch anything where N'Sync or Ashton Kutcher are going to be the recipients of some bogus award that won't be around next year.

(By the way, Ashton, you're welcome for me mentioning you in my column. Considering that you're running for the office of Joey Lawrence of the 21st century, you'll really need all the press that you can get.) Here are the important awards shows: The Emmys, the Grammys, the Academy Awards -- and those are it, period.

These are the ones that we could do without: The Golden Globes, the People's Choice Awards, the MTV Music Video Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, the VH1 Fashion Awards, the American Music Association Awards, the Country Music Association Awards, the Daytime Emmys, the Espy Awards, the Billboard Music Awards, the Entertainment Weekly Ratings Grabber Awards of the Week brought to you by Entertainment Weekly, the Blockbuster Video DVD Late Charge Fee Awards, the Latin Grammys, the Soul Train Music Awards and if I left any out, just add it to the list.

What makes the three big ones so big is that they are each devoted to one medium. The Emmys award achievements made in television, the Grammys honor those made in music, and the Academy Awards recognize achievements made in film.

But there were those who thought that there should be an awards show that would diminish the value of the Big Three while confusing people at the same time.

They called it the Golden Globes and it encompassed all three forms of media. Soon, though, the people started whining that they weren't the ones choosing who was awarded what so the People's Choice Awards were formed. Then MTV came along, but that is a different commentary entirely; honestly, though, after MTV, it has all snowballed from that point.

They're awarding things in the categories like Best Hottest Kiss, Best Prettiest Hair and Makeup, Best Vege Shot -- I mean, c'mon! Would you really want a gold-plated pewter tub of popcorn under the guise of an award sitting on your mantle? "Ah, don't know. Does it come with butter?" And what's up with the Latin Grammys? Let's be real, these awards aren't for legit Latin artists (OK, maybe Carlos). These should be called exactly what they are: "The Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, Enrique Iglasias, Marc Anthony Awards." Latin Grammys! I didn't see Los Lobos get an award for anything! Where was the Tito Puente Lifetime Achievement Award? Que` pasa? As soon as this whole Latin pop thing is gone, you will see the Latin Grammys go too.

And out of all of these awards shows, the Big Three included, there are the inevitable, spontaneous Live from the Red Carpet Interviews with Joan and Melissa Rivers. I'm sorry, ladies, but I honestly don't give a crap about who is wearing what, who did their nails, their makeup, and their hair! Poor Joan can't even ask a question without forgetting in mid-sentence what she was saying. Then that weekend after the awards, the Rivers' hold a three-hour round table discussion with whomever else they can dig up for a Saturday afternoon and they spend the whole time gasping and screaming at some of the outfits that were worn to the awards.

I'm afraid that what both Joan and Melissa Rivers fail to realize is that nobody cares! DRINK A SMOOTHIE, GET A FACELIFT OR SOMETHING BUT JUST LAYOFF OF THE CLOTHES FOR ONE BLANKETY-BLANK SHOW! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GIVE THE WHOLE THING A REST! YOU'RE TARGETING 25- to 59-YEAR-OLD CELEBRITIES WHO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! THOSE OF US IN THE REAL AMERICA COULDN'T TELL A GIANNI VERSACE DESIGN FROM A TOMMY HILFIGER AND WE SIMPLY DO NOT CARE! I CARE ABOUT ABOUT THE ONE OR TWO SHOWS, ALBUMS, OR MOVIES THAT I LIKE WHICH HAPPEN TO BE UP FOR AWARDS! NOT CLOTHES! I say "we don't care" but there many dissenters -- those who have no life and live vicariously through their favorite celebrity. Or what's even worse, those who are lucky enough to meet their favorite soap star but because they're a probably a stalker, they insist on calling the performer by their character's name.

As long as people like this exist and as long as they can continue cloning Joan Rivers, the Red Carpet interviews and the phony awards will probably stick around for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.

Damn.

Richard Cason can be heard Monday through Friday from 7 p.m. to midnight on 100.7 KGMO. Be sure to check him out on the Web at www.rcason.homestead.com