Alex Goes Off! - "Syndrome M2"

by Alexandra R. Yaremko

Now that the warm fuzzies of February are over, let's talk turkey. Not the sort of turkey with all the trimmings, although these are decked out. We're talking the turkeys that are married, but still date. Not an oxymoron in some circles.

Syndrome M2 as Married Men who date will henceforth be referred to as, seems all too prevalent. Prevalent can be a relative term but is applicable when one encounters two in a week.

Would you believe it was my best friend who had these experiences with Syndrome M2? Not an alter ego best friend, but my best friend Kim. Not to say I haven't had run-ins with Syndrome M2, innocuous as they were.

That's what Kim's first encounter of the week with Syndrome M2 was. Innocuous, more irritating than harmful. Two guys, next table. A hockey game on TV. Them: "Are you Blackhawks fans?" Us: "No, Flyers." "Blues." Them: "Would you like to come over to our table?" Us: "No, but you're welcome to join us." Because it's all about home field advantage.

Two hours later talk turns to seeing a movie the following weekend. Kim's left wing refuses. "No, I hate movies." Kim's post game commentary from her end of the playing field. "He didn't really hate movies. That's what he said. 'I don't really hate movies. I'm married, I just had to say that.'"

You can hate movies and be married. But don't give a girl your cell number. "He told me to call him Saturday." Did she call him? Of course not. Even if she hadn't had a date on Thursday with KFP, she wouldn't have called. "I don't get it," Kim says. "What do married men think is supposed to be in it for us?" Don't answer.

Fast forward, Wednesday night. "KFP and I have been playing phone tag for a month. He's great." Great meaning conversations often resulting in, "Yeah, you're so right about that." "So what's the problem?" "I don't know. Something's just off. Meet us for drinks after dinner?"

More than happy to oblige.

KFP is great. Personable, self-effacing, laughing in all the right spots. KFP is a great date. "We split crème brule`e," recaps Kim. KFP is also a great "meet us for drinks after" companion. "Here's what you need to know about men," KFP confides, leaning in a bit, but not too much. That's when KFP told us what guys really think. How shopping is not a sport, crying is blackmail, and if it itches it will be scratched.

Actually what KFP said was a little more on the serious side. The word he used was friction. Friction this, friction that. With guys, according to KFP, it all comes down to friction. But when asked about mental friction, KFP skirted the question. Not skirted so much as dismissed. Even humor. Peppered between the friction talk, KFP spoke fondly of his "three boys." "I knew he had three sons, but when someone asks you out, you assume there is no wife," Kim later pondered.

So many things are about asking the right questions. Kim had looked forward to this particular date. Kim was having a great date. Kim wanted to see this guy again. The question had to be asked. "How long were you married?" "What's that?" KFP said, because all of a sudden the music was too loud. I know the guy rule that "yes" and "no" are perfectly suitable answers. I got neither. Sort of like, "Mental friction?"

"How long WERE you married?" I said, rubbing my ring finger then pointing to his ring-less ring finger. "What? Oh, a huh." As in, "Yes, I am currently married and on a date with someone other than my wife, the mother of my children." You know the sound. Game over, blea, ble, bleu. It was getting late anyway.

By the 2am-phone recap, Kim had had a revelation. "He went into the whole, 'my wife and I have no emotional connection' thing. You know, the good thing is since KFP is a schmuck, we shouldn't believe anything he said about men, because it's a schmuck's opinion."

Mutual acquaintances of Kim and KFP later informed her that not only is KFP married with "three boys," he and his wife of 18 years have a 10 month-old baby. A little girl. As my dad likes to say, "It's amazing what can result from a hand shake." Technicalities. Just another symptom of Syndrome M2.