Senior Moments Column: Under the Surface

Photo by Brett Jordan

Imagine this: You finally start falling asleep after spending quite a long time fighting it. After descending into the thin line between sleep and awake, you start to relax after a hard day full of stress. All of a sudden, you’re ripped into a space that starts to swallow you whole. Every nook and cranny is filled with all of the fears and insecurities you have about yourself, suffocating you with panic. You try to breathe, but nothing comes out, so you start to claw your way out of the endless stream of negativity. Then, you wake up.

This is something that happens quite often to those whose lives, like mine, are constantly filled with stress.

Stress is a funny thing. Some say it helps them get things done, because it allows them to be reminded of what is important. Others let stress consume them to the point where they just give up. I’m stuck right in the middle, able to be productive but constantly overwhelmed.

I used to make excuses for why this happens to me. “Oh, school is too much,” or, “My parents want me to be involved all of the time.” The truth is, though, my worst enemy is myself.

I’m one of those people who would love to be less involved and relax but needs the structure being busy gives. It’s quite a paradox, but it’s just how I’ve always worked. It has caused problems, but it has also made me who I am today. It’s allowed me to do well in my academics and learn how to multitask. What it hasn’t taught me to do, though, is take life one day at a time.

Since this year is my senior year, I have one major goal for myself: I want to work on learning how to remain calm and take things slow. I figured it would come naturally since I wanted it so badly, but that’s not always how life works. Rather, I’ve struggled with it so much. I’m lucky, though: I have amazing people in my life who help me through it and remind me every day to just enjoy life. I’m still struggling with my issues of control and the pressure I put on myself, but I think this year will allow me to finally start being the change I want to see in myself.

There’s a quote I like written by writer Ed Jacoby that states, “Pressure comes from within and so must be mastered from within.” I’ve been trying to live by this quote every day. While I don’t plan on giving up on anything in my life anytime soon, I do plan on realizing doing my best is what matters. If I want to stop waking up late at night because I made a bad grade the day before, then I need to work on myself.

Maybe it’s time for me to learn letting go doesn’t equal giving up, and maybe instead of learning to survive, I need to remember how to live.

Lilly Johnson is a senior at Charleston High School in Charleston, Mo. She has lived in Southeast Missouri most of her life and loves to travel with her youth group, jam to musicals and BTS, and paint during the late hours of the night.