Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

Dear Doofus...
In The Camaro On Route K

Posted Wednesday, April 8, 2009, at 2:00 AM

Dear Doofus in the Camaro on Route K,

I bet you flunked coloring in kindergarten. I wasn't so hot about staying in the lines myself, but then I grew up and I got better at it. Apparently, you did not.

And because you apparently failed coloring in kindergarten, you may not realize that the highway department paints those lines on the roadway for reason.

Now, before I go any further, I want to make sure you are paying attention. You're not talking on your cell phone, applying eyeliner and eating a breakfast burrito while attempting to drive, as you were this morning, right?

I know you might think you're a "multi-tasker," but let me be the first to tell you that you are not. While I don't know you personally, I think it is a safe to say that you may barely qualify as a "uni-tasker."

It's OK. It's not your fault. People get a lot of their tasking abilities from their parents, so if you are not able to do more than one simple task at a time, it's their fault, not yours. You should tell them the next time you see them that your shortcomings are all because of them.

And if that next time happens to be this Easter Sunday, I guarantee it will make for a very spirited holiday gathering that no one in your family will soon forget.

Besides letting your parents know about flaws their genetics have inflicted on you and considering the number of things you were attempting to get done while driving, I might also suggest that you take a small portion of your next paycheck -- about $10 -- and buy yourself a new alarm clock. Apparently, the one you are currently using is not working properly if you are forced to attempt so many personal maintenance projects while also driving.

But I digress. We were discussing the lines on the road.

First of all, there are the yellow lines you see in the middle of the road. You seem to know that crossing them is usually a bad thing. That is good. Crossing yellow lines can result in things like a head-on collision. That is NOT how you want to start your morning. It could result in your eyeliner getting smudged and you wouldn't want that to happen.

But you seem to have a problem with the dashed white lines. They are meant to divide two lanes of traffic. One lane of traffic drives on the right side of the line while the other drives on the left. Under no circumstances should you drive down the middle of the white line as you were doing this morning. The dashed white line is not a coupon and your Camaro is not a pair of scissors.

You need to be decisive and pick a side -- either right or left. Driving down the center is not an option.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Almost Had To Take The Ditch

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Was just wondering?.... was this Camaro you're talking about red with black racing stripes? If so, I know that car & the person driving it....

-- Posted by crm71mo on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 7:15 AM
While this chick might be a bad driver, not all women are. Everytime there is an article or blog on this website the men instantly jump all over women being bad drivers. Statistically that is inaccurate. Men actually are worse. Perhaps because they are not thinking with the head on their shoulders.

Brad, I love your blogs. You are a very funny man. I just had to respond to the posters that will disparage all women drivers just because of one bad egg in your example.

-- Posted by farmwife2 on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 7:31 AM
you think Cape drivers are bad. come to northern alabama. ever see someone driving/reading a paperback novel at 10 mph over the speed limit on a dark foggy morning with their interior lights on? biggest hazard is people pulling out in front of you causing you to brake hard or change lanes. On my motorcycle many have told me "you're supposed to go around" or one time "there's three lanes there" as if it makes it ok. it's so commonplace here that it's become acceptable. when i travel back to cape to visit i can relax after leaving alabama as not one person will try to kill me in Mississippi, Tennessee, Illinois or Missouri on the roadways.

-- Posted by huffhuff on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 7:59 AM
There are lots of bad drivers -- men and women. And usually they are attempting to do at least one other thing besides driving. That one thing is often being deep in conversation with someone on a cell phone.

In fact, I saw a bad male driver in a truck on Kingshighway the other evening who was both driving about 10 miles BELOW the speed limit and talking on his cell phone, before he made an illegal lane change at the last minute to make a right turn.

I know there have been times that I TOO have been a bad driver, often due to work calling me about some emergency on my cell phone.

But on those occasions I will try to pull off the road to put out whatever crisis has arisen at work. I wish more people did the same during their phone conversations. The roads would be much safer.

And no, the Camaro I refer to in this blog was not red. In fact, the incident that inspired this bit of writing actually occurred in February. I delay publishing blogs sometimes until I am happy with the writing.

Thanks for reading.

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 8:48 AM
On a different topic - whatever happened to the great plans for the house across the street from you? It continues to detoriorate - I was interested but couldn't even get someone to talk with me. I would be living there by now.

-- Posted by ParkerDaws on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 9:03 AM
Good question Parker. I was wondering that myself. I haven't seen anyone over there since that article came out.

-- Posted by PeggySue on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 9:14 AM
I don't know. The man who claimed he purchased it has done nothing that I've observed. Makes me wonder if he already has someone lined up to buy it. He mentioned in an email that you can no longer immediately flip a house, that there is a 3 month waiting period before resale. I don't know if that is true but it would explain the lack of activity.

Between this house and the fire-damaged Purcell house, we have two matching dilapidated houses in my neighborhood (and Sassafrass') that could really be jewels in mid-town Cape. They just need some work.

Thanks for reading.

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 9:48 AM
To the guy who wrote this: Hopefully with all of the multitasking going on, she was driving an automatic. (Most chicks do because they can't drive stick all that well.) Plus it's easier for them to apply makeup in their car when they don't have to use their right hand to shift. That's the one that has to be applying lipstick while they drive with their left knee. (Again making a stick inconvenient because of that pesky clutch pedal that uses that left leg, leaving it unavailable for steering.)

I take offense to your sexist remark about women, sorry, "chicks" who cannot drive stick "all that well" as you put it. I have been told by several male "guy" friends that I drive stick better than most guys they know and I know a lot of women who prefer to drive stick rather than automatic because they feel more in control of the vehicle, I know I do. My last car was a stick, and I miss it terribly,so the next car I buy will definitely be a stick again.

-- Posted by hpgirl23 on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 10:22 AM
hpgirl23

Good luck in being able to purchase a manual transmission vehicle in the future. In the past when "normal" people could work on cars themselves, stick were better for gas mileage and such, not anymore! Manual transmissions are going away. Within 5 years we will all be stuck with those wretched autostick transmissions. . .or even worse CVTs (constantly variable transmissions)

-- Posted by Bushman_212 on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 11:13 AM
I will just have to get one soon than I suppose :)

-- Posted by hpgirl23 on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 3:18 PM
Looking at Ford.com - doesn't appear that a manual tranny is available for the F150s - not even on the base XL model.

-- Posted by fxpwt on Wed, Apr 8, 2009, at 4:01 PM

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Dear Doofus... In The Camaro On Route K

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Dear Doofus...
In The Camaro On Route K