Bionic Flipper?
MODOT Funding Dolphin Construction

I made an amazing discovery while perusing the 17-page document released by the Missouri Department of Transportation summarizing all of the projects it plans to fund with $577 million in federal stimulus money.

MODOT apparently is going to use some of the funds to build a bionic Flipper.

I base this deduction on the following item on page 13 of the document:

"Ste. Genevieve County, New Bourbon Regional Port - Dock and dolphin construction, site development. $1,000,000"

If MODOT was intending to breed dolphins, I think they would have used that word. Instead they used the word "construction." And since they're only budgeting a million dollars to this project, they can't be constructing a completely robotic dolphin. Those easily cost six or seven million each.

I figure that MODOT has picked up a good used dolphin from SeaWorld or some other marine mammal amusement park that is struggling to survive the recession and plan to invest this money into making it better, stronger and faster just like Steve Austin from the TV-series "The Six-Million Dollar Man" or at least, train it to weld underwater.

I think MODOT could use a bionic dolphin. After all, our state has hundreds of bridges in decrepit shape and what is under many of those spans? Water, of course. And while you can get a guy in scuba gear to inspect the parts of the bridges below the water line, a dolphin is really better suited for the work.

While MODOT is keeping mum about exactly how bionic they are making this dolphin, I imagine they are probably just investing in basic enhancements. After all, they only budgeted a million dollars and that wouldn't be enough to outfit a dolphin with too much fancy equipment like lasers or sonar.

I figure MODOT's dolphin will probably just have a video camera, maybe a hyperbaric welding attachment for doing small bridge repairs underwater and the mandatory orange safety vest.

I think it is smart of MODOT to not be too ambitious with our starter dolphin. If this experiment in bionic-enhanced marine mammals is a success, then maybe we can add lasers and sonar to our state's next MODOT dolphin.

I mentioned the fact MODOT is investing in a bionic Flipper to my friend Eddie. Eddie is a bit of a fisherman. He had a different viewpoint on my finding.

"Brad, you big dummy! A dolphin is what they call those wooden poles that are driven into the water near a dock."

Perhaps that is the case, but it seems a little ludicrous that MODOT would be investing money on a port in this location of the state. It's as if they are taking the build-it-and-prosperity-will-come approach. It escapes me why the state would invest in this project on porpoise.

The New Bourbon Regional Port -- which the website www.missouriports.org indicates is "under development" -- is located about 3.5 miles south of Ste. Genevieve. I would show you where it is on a Google map, except the area is so remote that cartographers have apparently not yet been there.

Eddie may be right about the definition used by MODOT, but until I can find this reputed port on a map, I'm going to continue watching the water under our state's bridges for a dolphin in an orange vest.