Forget Tarot-Hospital Robes Reveal All

I recently had to spend the night in a hospital, actually for the first time in my life. You know how you hear all the horror stories about hospital stays from people who have been there, so I was full of trepidation before my personal experience.

But you know, for the most part it wasn’t that bad. Except for one thing.

Seriously, the nurses were helpful and friendly, the food wasn’t bad at all, and the television even had the option of changing to Spanish. I watched “Monday Night Football” in that language, which I speak fluently, and which is far more entertaining than English, especially for sporting events. The hispanic announcers are WAY more enthusiastic than their American counterparts, who are downright catatonic by comparison. All in all, a relatively decent situation.

Except for the hospital gown which I was forced to wear. And I wasn’t even permitted the face-saving (or cheek-saving) option of wearing my underwear. Which is always briefs, by the way, never boxers (more on this later).

Yes, they made me wear the classic hospital gown-ultrathin fabric, open at the back (inviting even the smallest breeze), with the ties that Houdini could never have tied. Or escaped from.

I’ve always wondered who designed this sadistic garment, which combines maximum discomfort with minimum practicality (although I will admit it was easy to pee at any time). The ties are designed to come undone every time you lie down, which is of course frequently. I suspect that they teach the nurses and other staff members a special knot that comes loose minutes after being tied.

Naturally, I was somewhat weak after surgery, so I had to have the nurse or their assistant help me up and down, tie my robe, and then walk me around the floor. Oh yes, they make you walk. You have to expose yourself (literally) to the whole hospital staff and other patients periodically. They need the entertainment, so a certain amount of “Northern Exposure” (or perhaps southern?) is written into their contract.

I was grateful that my stay occurred in late October, and the weather was relatively nice. In summer they put out strategically placed fans guaranteed to “whip up” some cloth, and fun! There’s a reason that those gowns are so flimsy.

But the main reason I hated the robe that I was required to wear was that I felt really “loose.” You females can’t necessarily relate to this experience, if you get my drift. And “drift” is definitely the word I’m looking for! As Kramer famously said in a “Seinfeld” episode about wearing boxers vs. briefs, “My boys need a home!” He therefore came down firmly (har!) on the side of briefs. I totally agree.

So if you do end up in the hospital for whatever reason, just hope that the fans are on low, most of the spectators are asleep, and you don’t have a full moon phase going. And for goodness sake, if you’re a male wear your shorts as long as they let you.

Keep your boys out of the breeze!