What’s Your Shoe (Collection) Size?

I have a theory that in a blind test, you can tell a male from a female by asking one simple question: how many pairs of shoes do you own? If the number is less than 10, you’re a male. If it’s more than 30, you’re a (normal) female. If it’s more than 300, you’re Imelda Marcos.

Yes, shoes don’t seem to be a big deal to the average male. Personally, I own three pairs: two pairs of tennis shoes and a pair of snow boots. In fairness, one pair of tennis shoes is black, for special occasions like weddings and funerals. I haven’t owned a pair of actual “dress” shoes for many years, and it doesn’t seem to have mattered.

I think men in general regard shoes as something practical to protect the feet, whereas women view them as a fashion statement. While I’m not allowed to say exactly how many pairs my girlfriend owns, I know it’s way more than three. They’re all more stylish than any of mine. Even her “work” shoes must be at least somewhat stylish, just in case someone were to look down at her feet. Which of course they won’t. She replaces her shoes if they show the slightest signs of wear or if she thinks they’ve gone out of style in any way.

On the other hand, if I find a really comfortable pair of shoes, then I don’t want to wear anything else. Even when they’re really worn out and my socks are winking at me through the little holes that eventually develop, we men will still wear them for at least a little longer. Possibly a lot longer.

In an admittedly informal survey, I asked several men if they had more shoes or less than their wives, girlfriends or significant others. No one said they had more or the same number compared to the woman. Their estimates of how many more pairs of shoes they had that outnumbered the woman in their lives varied from “four times more” to “10 times more.” In several cases, they added “at least.”

My own girlfriend has three or four pairs of just “dress” boots, in varying lengths and colors — for the record, she looks really good in them, too. But if you were to ask her, she would imply that virtually all other females probably have five or six pairs of dress boots, possibly more. Most women think others of their sex have more shoes than they do, which is why they need to continue buying them just to keep from getting too far behind. Some would call it a harmless hobby (them), some an obscene obsession (us). Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe.

To men, even the concept of boots to dress up in is absurd. Boots are wonderfully functional items, meant to wade water, struggle through snow and just generally kick ass. My snow boots, for example, must weigh more than five pounds each, but they go through ice and snow like nobody’s business. Like my “dress” tennis shoes, they’re black, of course, without the slightest sign of stylishness. I love them, needless to say.

Oh, I know we’ve all heard of a few men who have enormous shoe collections, usually featuring many special limited-edition models endorsed by Michael Jordan or Shaq or someone like that. From the prices, you’d think the famous athletes had made the shoes out of their actual skin. However, many of these people never actually WEAR the shoes, of course, in order to keep them in mint condition. A sacrilege, any woman would say. Except possibly Imelda Marcos.

The great shoe divide is probably a good thing in terms of global balance. People in other countries — namely, China — are already working night and day to produce the shoes we wear. If men suddenly wanted more, it would throw the whole system off. Think of that the next time you pull up your shoe’s tongue and tie the laces.