The Laws of the Cartoon Universe

My younger brothers, Brad and Brian, and I never rolled out of bed for school as eagerly as we did on Saturday mornings. As we opened our eyes, it dawned on us we didn’t want to miss the Saturday morning cartoons, so we burst out of our beds like racehorses charging out of the gate at the Kentucky Derby.

It was Mom and Dad’s day to sleep in, so we filled our bowls and bellies with whole milk and Frosted Flakes, Sugar Pops, Alpha-Bits or Rice Krinkles and sat in front of the black-and-white Philco as it hummed softly and took its time warming up to give us a picture.

My favorite cartoon was Mighty Mouse. He was, as most baby boomers know, kind of a combination of Mickey Mouse and Superman. He even wore a tight superhero suit with his name across his chest and a cape. And I’m pretty sure you know his song that he sings in mock-opera tenor: “Here I come to save the day!”

All of which brings us to comedian Tom Kenny (the voice of SpongeBob) and a bit he used to do called “Laws of the Cartoon Universe.” As we look at some of these laws, I’ll throw in a couple of my own, starting with what I call “The Mighty Mouse Syndrome.” That’s when MM’s girlfriend (Pearl Pureheart) is tied to the railroad tracks with a roaring locomotive bearing down on her some 100 yards away while MM battles some villain (usually the feline Oil Can Harry) for a minute or so somewhere. Cut back to the locomotive, now just 30 yards away. Then back to our hero, still slugging it out with the bad guy. Now back to the thundering locomotive — but somehow it’s moved back to 50 yards away ... giving MM time to swoop in at the last second and rescue the girl mouse.

That, my friends, is “The Mighty Mouse Syndrome.” You can even find it in a James Bond movie, this time with 007 tied down while a killer laser menaces his … well, never mind.

Here, then, are a few more “Laws of the Cartoon Universe:”

Any time a cartoon character walks off a cliff, he doesn’t start to fall until he looks down, and then he struggles in mid-air, trying to run back as bongo drums sound.

If Mighty Mouse or Popeye or any hero uppercuts an alligator, it must fly up out of view, then fall back down as a matched set of alligator luggage.

When a cat (or anyone) falls from a great height through many floors of a tall building, he leaves a perfect cut-out silhouette of his body on every floor on the way down.

The interior of a mouse hole must be fully decorated, with chairs, lamps, couches, end tables, doilies, area rugs and pictures hung on the walls.

Any time Popeye eats his can of spinach, his biceps must turn into something — a battleship, an anvil, a marching fife and drum brigade.

And, finally, anytime Wile E. Coyote plunges down a deep ravine, when he finally hits bottom, all we see and hear is a tiny, barely audible ... “poof” …

As Tom Kenny would say, “These are the laws of the Cartoon Universe!”