Senior Moments: Last First Day

You may have heard someone say there’s a first time for everything. My first time walking through the doors of Oak Ridge School took place when I was five. I wish I remembered it. Knowing myself, I probably spent all morning getting breakfast stains on my shirts and chasing my cats. I was most likely upset not because I was starting school, but instead, because I couldn’t spend all day at my nana’s house. I didn’t know then I was beginning the next 13 years of my life.

After that day, the cycle of first days began. All of them had the same theme: summer’s ending, but every year there was a different me. In early elementary, my biggest concerns were my seat in class and the total agony of standing nearly last in the lunch line. I remember enjoying my Tinkerbell backpack and repetitively dressing up as a cheerleader for Halloween from first through third grades.

Later in elementary, I morphed into the real world. The question of reality started to itch at me. Will I have friends? What should I wear? Will anyone remember me? I found myself too old to do the things I’d always done and too young to do the things I wanted to do. I discovered identity was something I now had to work for.

Elementary was child’s play compared to the unknowns of middle school and high school. In middle school and high school, oftentimes, I hoped I wouldn’t die at cross country or volleyball practices. The highlights of school were homeroom and lunch, especially on chicken patty day. I hoped bookwork wouldn’t surpass my level of comprehension. I wondered if high school would be like the movies, if there would be drama and cliques I had to keep up with. More than anything, for so many years, I hoped I was good enough.

It is comforting to reflect on all of the stages I’ve surpassed, knowing all the fears of change were minuscule compared to the rewards of just showing up. If I could go back, I would tell all the little Erins to enjoy the time you have. Sports will be more life-giving than you can imagine. You’re a real cheerleader now. You have friends who care about you. Your cats still run from you. You’re smarter than you seem. You have more confidence than you believe. Even if you had nothing to offer this world, you’d still be good enough for me.

Now approaching my last first day at Oak Ridge, the world asks a question: Will you miss this? My answer is no. While there is a last time for everything and it’s hard to let go, I will have my whole life to miss high school. If I start grieving now, I will miss the present moment. I have to enjoy being a senior, because I’ll never get this time back. All I have is every moment of every day to be the person only I can be. Today is the first day. Today is the last day. Because tomorrow will be a new day.

Erin Urhahn is a senior at Oak Ridge High School. She's just a girl trying to find her niche in the world.