"Oh, Canada!"

Many of you have wondered about our mysterious neighbor to the north, the country of Canada. They really don’t get a lot of attention, so I will attempt to correct the situation. Since my mother, Joan, who is a nice person, has visited every province of Canada and I have listened to her stories, I consider myself something of an expert. At least compared to you.

First, a few general geographic gems. Canada was founded, more or less, on July 1, 1867. There are 10 provinces — actually nine now, more on this shortly — and three territories in the country, but don’t ask me what the difference is. It’s the world’s second-largest country after Russia, while staying amazingly under the radar. This is perhaps because moose outnumber humans in many parts of Canada. Weird!

Interestingly enough, the entire province of Quebec voted to move to France in 1986, leaving a large hole in the eastern area. When asked about it, a provincial official was quoted as saying, “We do not care about vous.” Local people were quoted as saying nothing, since none would admit to speaking English.

There’s also a territory called “Nunavut,” which is obviously a prank. It’s believed that local people promoted the name just to see if the rest of us could say it with a straight face. When asked what it means, natives just say, “None of vut business,” which invariably draws huge laughs from the crowd.

Many Americans also wonder why the country is called “Canada.” You have to remember canning is really big in the northern latitudes. Everyone cans everything they can (pun intended) during the short summer season, typically August 1-5. So Canadians were always asking other Canadians what they were canning next, having canned everything imaginable already. The answer was usually something like, “Oh, I’m going to can a, duh …” as they tried to think of something new. This eventually was shortened to just “Canada.”

The money situation is also considerably different in Canada than in the U.S. Whereas we base our money on the concept of dead presidents, the Canadians have based theirs on native weird animals. For example, their one dollar equivalent features a loon and is called a “loonie.” The two dollar version is jokingly referred to as a “toonie.” Those wacky sons of lumberjacks also have beavers, moose, caribou, etc. on other denominations. It’s pretty loony. Also weird.

Similarly, the food in Canada is not at all like you would get in the U.S., for the most part. One of their favorites is something called “poutine,” which consists of French fries, cheese curds and brown gravy. Weird, but definitely filling. Among the many other actual Canadian dishes are moose burgers, cod tongues and flipper pie, made with braised seal flippers. Thank goodness they braise them, or it would be really weird.

Because they’re not a populous place, as I mentioned, Canada has produced relatively few famous folks. (Remember Buffy Sainte-Marie? I didn’t think so.) Among them are Justin Bieber, Justin Trudeau (Justin is a big name there), Gordon Lightfoot and a bunch of hockey players. Since they encounter ice most of the year, many Canadians are excellent ice skaters.

Canada has its own unique holidays, as well. For example, Boxing Day is Dec. 26, and is their version of “Black Friday” when everyone goes to sales. (The day after Christmas? Why?) This is also celebrated in Britain, although not in Quebec, it goes without saying. They’re also the only country to celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, on the Monday before May 25. Even the British dispensed with this holiday long ago. And Canada Day is on July 1, for no other reason than to be ahead of the Americans.

Let’s end our celebration of all things Canadian by singing their national anthem, to the tune of “Jimmy Cracked Corn:” “Oh, Canada! You are so Canadian! Oh, Canada, you’re so Can-aid-ee-ee-un!” There was a part about the queen, but it was dropped after she (not Victoria) refused to twerk at a Justin Bieber concert. Oh, Canada! Pretty weird, eh?