Medi-I-Don’t-Care

Remember how, when you were 12, you couldn’t wait to become a teenager, go to high school, etc.? It was an awkward age for a youngster. Well, now I’m at that most awkward age for an oldster, which I can’t wait to get past. You see, as I write this, I’m 64 years old, rapidly approaching 65. That’s right, Medicare and Social Security are on my horizon!

Yes, I’m guessing others around my age are tired of the constant bombardment of TV ads and mail reminding us of the impending birthday and our change in societal status. I’m not sure what the magic is of turning 65 — it’s not the square root of anything. (Just for the record, the square root of 65 is 8.0622577. You’re welcome.) The whole thing seems somewhat arbitrary to me.

But for whatever reason, someone in the powers that be decided when you reach 65, you’re “old.” I suppose they envision people suddenly ordering a Buick on their ancient flip phone while listening to a Frank Sinatra cassette tape. While wearing baggy shorts and abnormally long black socks, with sandals. And a Hawaiian shirt, of course.

So now, we’re targeted, like a bunch of cattle with bullseyes printed on the backs of our Hawaiian shirts. Many, many advertisements are pointed our way, with the underlying theme “they still have money.” An enormous percentage of TV ads, particularly, are geared toward us “seniors.”

My mom and I have a running joke whereby we ask each other when I see her for the first time in the morning, usually about 8 or 9 a.m., “How many times have you seen Joe today?” The Joe in question is Joe Namath, the most ubiquitous of the several “B” list (or “C” or “D” list) ex-celebrities who saturate the Medicare/Social Security market. Among many others are Danny Glover of “Lethal Weapon” fame. (Remember that? Me, neither.) Also Jimmie “JJ” Walker, who became semi-famous on the TV show “Good Times” for his one line: “Dyn-O-Mite!” He’s still milking it. William Shatner from “Star Trek” also sneaks in there.

They all say basically the same thing: You can get shit from the government. For free. Among the many benefits they offer are dental, including extractions, fillings, dentures, prescriptions and transportation. But the biggie is the so-called “giveback benefit,” where money is added to your Social Security check every single month!!! They also add, you may qualify for $0 monthly premiums.

There are a couple of odd things about these endless ads. First of all, they all tell you how you may qualify for the benefits listed, but you need to call them, because you don’t get them automatically. Well, why the hell not? If they’re benefits people are entitled to, then JUST GIVE IT TO THEM! Why does everyone have to jump through hoops to get stuff they’re entitled to?

Secondly, and equally strangely, the amount you can supposedly get back varies considerably. In the numerous ads I’ve seen, I’ve heard them say you can get $100, $125, $144 and $148 added back per month. This makes no sense to me, since it’s a federal program (albeit through private insurance companies). I think the amount might be tied to the former celebrity spokesperson’s relative status, i.e., William Shatner is worth more than Danny Glover, who’s above Joe Namath. Jimmy “JJ” Walker is, deservedly, at the bottom of the totem pole.

So, I’ll probably see what I can get as I turn 65 and hope for a favorable former famous person. Then I can use my “giveback benefit” to buy a new Hawaiian shirt. Dyn-O-Mite!