“Life’s Luxuries: Big Boats, Lobster Tanks, Like That”

I think we’ve all thought about what it would be like to be fabulously wealthy. You know, hit-the-lottery type money. What made me think about this recently was a TV piece about a celebrity who had several expensive cars but couldn’t actually drive herself. When this unparsimonious person was questioned as to how the vehicles were selected, she said it was mostly by color and what looked good in a photo. The horror!

When I’ve had a day for a daydream and imagined myself with wads of Washingtons, I have come up with a few luxuries that would be far beyond the average Andy and Annie. These are things those with less than zillions wouldn’t even dream of, except that — thankfully — dreams are free.

One of the first things I would want is a large boat. Not like one of the party barges you see on local lakes, but something huge enough for several people to live on. Something like you’d see Bill Gates own. I live near the Mississippi River, which periodically floods as it’s doing this spring. If the flood waters were approaching, I could just get on my yacht (pronounced “yatcht”) and float away. Some of those luxury boats are like floating hotels; I’d probably have nicer facilities than at my house. And of course, I’d want a landing pad for my helicopter on the back. Since I can’t fly a helicopter, I’d just pick one with a nice color.

I’m thinking an on-call masseuse would be a nice luxury as well, now that I (theoretically) have all this money. A massage is always relaxing, especially after working outside at my farm, so having the service always available would be a luxury to me. They could stay in my extra bedroom, available around the clock for any little twinge or ache. I’m not sure what the person would do when I didn’t need them; perhaps polish the yacht.

Another luxury item I’d definitely request is a personal beertender. No, not a bartender — I rarely have mixed drinks — but someone whose sole duty would be to draw an icy cold beer of my choosing. It would be their obligation to keep any type on hand I might desire (remember, I have unlimited funds). Then I could quench my thirst any time of the day or night, although I might have to wake the beertender up if our schedules weren’t coordinated.

But the ultimate extravagance for me would be a live lobster tank smack-dab in the middle of my living room! Most of you have been to a restaurant where they had a lobster tank and diners selected their specimen to be cooked just for them. I happen to love lobster, so this would be right up my alley. They would be shipped in frequently, and feature formidably-sized specimens. Even when you weren’t choosing dinner, they’d be fun to watch swim around, like a fish aquarium. Maybe the beertender could also be a professional chef who cooks the lobsters to perfection. My house is getting too crowded at this point to bring in any more people!

But I have to realize all of this speculation is just that — I’m daydreaming here, although it’s been enjoyable to think about. I know I’ll probably never have an on-call masseuse or a personal beertender. And the yacht would never fit on my farm ponds. I’ll also certainly never have lots of cars I don’t drive, no matter what color they are. However, even for those of us with relatively modest means, we might possibly have just one thing that’s a luxury above and beyond the normal expectations. I’m hopeful that’s not too much to ask.

Wait, I hear the doorbell, so I have to go now. The guy who cleans the lobster tank doesn’t like to be kept waiting.