Heck�s Angels

At least some of you reading this column remember watching the 1953 movie �The Wild Ones,� starring Marlon Brando as a badass motorcycle gang member. The movie�s plot involved rival motorcycle gangs teaming up to take over a town after one of their leaders is arrested. The bikers terrorize the citizens, even running their motorcycles in and out of buildings, etc. This was actually based on a true incident that happened in Hollister, California. Presumably this isn�t what millennials have in mind when they wear their �Hollister� shirts.

Things are certainly different now.

Of course, the motorcycle gang most people think of � if they think of them at all � is Hell�s Angels. The Angels were probably the biggest and most well-known of the many gangs formed after World War II when the interstate highway system was developed. Several people joined the gang in order to expose their many criminal activities, including � but not limited to � drug running, prostitution and illegal gun sales. Some even survived to tell about it.

Perhaps the most infamous demonstration of Hell�s Angels in action occurred on Dec. 6, 1969, when the Rolling Stones hired the gang to act as security at their Altamont concert. This was not the wisest move, as was symbolically demonstrated by the naked fat man wandering through the crowd. Predictably, if unfortunately, the bikers took their job a bit too seriously, roughing up several concert-goers and stabbing a black man to death. You can bet no one got near the stage to bother Mick Jagger.

Nowadays, your biggest worry when you encounter a large motorcycle gang is that they might review your financial statements. Despite the leather outfits and general �bad boy� look, most seem to be retired CPAs or bank presidents. For one thing, those bikes they�re riding cost as much as your house. For another, that wallet on a long chain that looks like it was made by a prisoner turns out to contain an American Express Platinum Card.

Motorcycles often have all kinds of saddlebags, pouches and the like. Previously, when a biker pulled something out of one of these hiding places, you would suspect there might be a gun or some type of weapon. Now you figure they�re going to pull out a copy of the latest IRS regulations, presuming they would fit. Instead of �Stick �em up,� it might be something like, �This man needs an audit.� Which are pretty much equally scary, come to think of it.

In the old days, biker gangs contained few women, although the girls you saw would dress in similar fashion, with leather chaps, etc. Back then, women seemed to match their men, smoking or chewing gum and blowing bubbles while riding on the back. They also seemed to match the men in terms of pungency, if you get my drift. (Which is to say, you didn�t want to get their drift, as in downwind.)

Modern biker gang girls still dress in leather like the men, but now some have matching Gucci handbags and the like. They�re also well-groomed and manicured, I�ve noticed. And you can get in olfactory range and have a pleasant experience!

There�s actually a term for this modern type of motorcyclist: RUBs, for Rich Urban Bikers. They might take over a town, such as the largest rally in the country in Sturgis, South Dakota. But these days the town�s biggest worry is not mass violence, but that they�ll run out of Chardonnay.

Oh, there are still �old fashioned� motorcycle gangs around. For example, in 2015 at a large bar near Waco, Texas, two gangs exchanged insults and then gunshots. About 170 bikers were arrested, and nine died.

However, your odds of encountering RUBs when you see a motorcycle gang are high. There�s no need to be afraid. You did file your taxes on time, didn�t you?