Doing Homework

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"It is not our smooth passages that reveal new understandings, but the strenuous, uphill battles that benefit us with the knowledge we need to grow.....Life is a series of lessons. And our crises are our homework. "

Casey, K & Vanceburg, M. ,1983, The Promise of a New Day: A Book of Daily Meditations, gage for Sept. 14)

The above quote is from the page a book I hadn't looked at in years opened to when I asked God to show me what I should write about this morning. School is starting again today at the University, so homework is a timely theme for today's blog. However, I don't enjoy the homework associated with working on my own growing. Through the years, I have learned not to wait for a major crisis before I am motivated to do my homework. Whenever something is "bothering me" or "gets under my skin" or is a problem that won't let me sleep, I know it is time to closely examine whatever "it" is in order to determine what it is about me that I need to consider changing.

Yesterday I encountered a situation that has made me do a lot of soul searching. I offended two friends of mine when I demanded that specific actions be carried out "according to the rules." I apologized, but I still have to examine what I need to change in me. I would like to blame the Sisters of Mercy for creating a nurse who demands policies and procedures be strictly followed, or at least my overly-strict and critical parents. However, I haven't seen the Sisters of Mercy since 1967, and the days of my parents telling me what I must do are long gone also. So, what is it about me that makes me want to tell other people how to do things when they are not doing them the way I've been taught to do them?

I don't like the answer I found. After all these years, I suffered a "character defect attack" in which my automatic, knee jerk reaction was to step in uninvited and start trying to control things so they would "be perfect and according to the book." I initially thought my action was motivated by an ethical concern for the survival of something I highly value which is of great importance for our community. But, digging deeper, I discovered that although that was true, there was more to it than that. My false self or ego-centered thinking, if you will, was all tangled up in yesterday's situation. And the best amend and apology I can make for my "defective behavior" is to step back and remove myself from the situation because only God is in charge, in control, and running things. My ego has no business trying to take over God's business.

Enough about me and how I am still trying to learn to trust God and let Him control things rather than trying to control them myself no matter how noble I am convinced my intention is. I would love to hear from my readers how a crisis you've experienced has given you the gifts of insight and changed behavior. Until then, let me say "happy homework" and God bless and keep you.