I Have A Suggestion

I sincerely hope with all of my heart that the school district in Jackson continues to use the "Indian" as a mascot. Every small village in rural America needs one preposterous Diplodocus-era theme (or maybe two if you count Jim Crowe) to give itself character. One wonders why they did not choose to call themselves the Jackson Japanese, or the Jackson Aussies, or the Jackson Papua New Guineans, but if they want to call themselves Indians, who are we to argue? For the Jackson Japanese, they could have chosen a ferocious Samurai for a mascot, and for the Jackson Aussies, perhaps a burly man with a fluffy sheep. (Never mind, we don't want to go there.) But if they have their hearts set on remaining Indians, what are they going to do, frighten their opponents into submission with threats of an imposed caste system? Because the choice of fiercely war-painted mascots or Caucasian girls in deerskin dresses is oddly peculiar, as it does not seem at first glance that these mascots have anything whatsoever to do with Indians, who are, of course, the citizens of India. So, to create less confusion and more hilarity, I have a suggestion.

Why not call yourselves the Jackson Catholics? For mascots, you could have one or more students in Pope costumes, with girls dressed in nun habits, rulers in one hand and spangled batons in the other. Your bleacher pep squad could be called "The Altered Boys". At least Catholics and the Pope have something in common, unlike the citizens of India and girls in deerskin dresses. Think of the marketing opportunities. Instead of peddling tomahawks, wampum, colorful woven rugs, and fry bread (yawn), you could sell carved Pope-on-a-rope soaps, Pope-alope statues ( Pope heads with little deer antlers stuck on), and little snowy white host cookies frosted with "Kill Them Boys". At half time, a student in a vicious looking Pope costume, complete with all appropriate Pope regalia could charge onto the field, menacingly shaking a smoking ball on a chain and splashing water from a huge barrel labeled "HOLY FIGHTING WATER" dragged by a bevy of sparkling nuns while the announcer makes funny jokes like, "Are the Jackson Catholics gonna win??? Does the Pope wear a funny hat????", and the Altered Boys shout "Amen to that!" Surely, peals and peals of hilarious laughter would ensue, and then the Pope mascot could pause on the 50 yard line to lie down and flop from side to side to mimic the initiation of Catholic Bishops ( I know how this is done because I saw it in "The Thorn Birds") while using a bull horn to administer the last rites to the opposing team before the slaughter. Now that is funny, funny stuff. Well, there might be one or two Catholics attending the game who would not find it quite so amusing, but hey, we are all adults and we can take a joke, right, just like the Native Americans who have had to watch their religious practices made "sport" of for lo these many years every weekend on game night. So, "Go Jackson", and namaste.