The power of we

This story originally appeared in the February issue of Flourish magazine.

Roy Croft knows a lot about relationships.

The American poet who is credited to the well-known poem entitled "Love," is most celebrated for its famous opening line.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."

These sweet words are often recited at joyous occasions such as wedding ceremonies.

Yet for many, once the honeymoon stage has faded and the mind begins to kick in, it makes one wonder if Croft had ever worked a full-time job while raising a family and still found the time to spend exclusively with his significant other.

Many couples in today's world struggle to balance that teeter-totter of family and work life versus personal time spent with just their better half.

Tony Faber, associate professor of family studies at Southeast Missouri State University, said many couples assume that once they are married, their relationship will maintain itself and their focus shifts to other parts of their lives.

"When you don't spend time together, you drift apart," he said. "If you don't maintain it; it will erode over time."

The main reason that couples' focus shifts over time, he said, is due to the addition of children. Especially during the first five years of starting a family, couples tend to put their relationship on the back burner.

There are several factors, including sleep deprivation, fluctuating hormones and limited free time, that can make people fall victim to losing the connection with their spouse once children arrive, said Amy Marshall, contributing writer on everythingmom.com.

"As resentment and disconnect infiltrate marriages, feelings of loneliness emerge and couples perceive that they have suffered a great loss -- their best friend," Marshall said.

She suggests that couples remain curious of each other, similar to the time when they first began dating, and ask questions in an effort to better understand and communicate with their spouse.

Some questions could include, what has been the biggest surprise about becoming a mom/dad, what is the greatest challenge about being a mom/dad, how do you envision our life a year from now and what is your favorite thing about our son/daughter?

"In an effort to preserve friendship within a marriage, it is important to revive these curiosities on an ongoing basis," Marshall said. "This is particularly important during the transition to parenthood so as to prevent the distance and disconnect that many couples experience after having their first baby."

Some other factors that could lead to couples spending less time together, Faber said, could include primary focus shifting toward careers or individuals becoming overwhelmed with social activities.

Dissatisfaction within relationships can also be a cause for health problems, and Faber said that could lead to serious health issues such as stress and depression.

One solution he suggests is for couples to plan date nights. As with every give- and-take scenario, couples should both sacrifice their interests at times and also find a common interest.

"Plan an activity you both like and make it repetitive so that it becomes a ritual you both do," he said.

Some date night activities he suggests include going to dinner, the movies and different events such as plays, musicals, sports or craft shows.

According to thenest.com, other date night ideas could include going to a winery for drinks, dining and walking through the vineyard, going to a brewery to try out different types of beer, making reservations for only dessert, or sports activities such as bowling, tennis, golf or paintball.

Ultimately, Faber said it is all about priorities. Couples must choose to make their relationship a priority with actions that could be as simple as turning off the television or giving up a club.

"If it's important to you, you're going to find time. You're going to make time," he said. "It's all about priority in your life, and if you think spending time together is important, make it a priority."

Free and fabulous date night ideas

Date nights are a great way for couples to get back on track with their relationship and spend more alone time together, but as always, dating does not come cheap, especially in our current economy.

However, there are solutions to avoiding those $30 movie dates and $50 dinners.

With a little creativity, dates can go from splurging to saving in no time.

Tony Faber, associate professor of family studies at Southeast Missouri State University, said money does not have to be an issue when planning a date night.

"The reality is you don't have to spend money to do something together," he said.

Choose something that you both enjoy doing. If you both work out, try going on a jog or walk together, he said. Biking, hiking and fishing are activities for the outdoor-loving couple at relatively no cost.

Also, he suggests killing two birds with one stone by using household chores as an excuse to spend some quality time together. Things such as cooking, yard work, or folding laundry could be done as a team.

"It may not be your ideal, but look at it as opportunities to do things together," he said.

According to thenest.com, free date night ideas include volunteering together, going on a picnic, having a themed dinner and movie night at home or watching the sunset or sunrise.