Confessions of a professional wedding guest

Editor's note: We asked someone who attends a lot of weddings -- 100, at least -- to give us, and you, some insight into what wedding guests really think and care about. But, ultimately, these are just opinions and it's your wedding: Do what you want.

Weddings, wedding receptions -- oh, the changes that have come to these "sacred" cultural rituals.

Planning and attending these events has made me a professional of sorts: a professional wedding guest. I am here to tell you all the things that polite people won't. Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

First of all, let's talk about appropriate ceremonies. Whether one opts for a traditional religious ceremony or a more secular exchange of vows, there is still a level of formality a wedding should have, a reverence to the meaningfulness of the event.

A good place to start is with the music. Music that is not live is not kosher. Brides, leave your mp3s at the gym, your CDs in the car, and your friends who can't sing and their karaoke tracks at the local pub. Just because your cousin does a stirring rendition of "Open Arms" on karaoke night does not make it appropriate for the "big day."

Speaking of family, I know your 2-year-old baby niece is precious, but if she can't be taught to throw those petals, she needs to sit this one out. Choose appropriate people for the tasks at hand. Readers who can read, singers who can sing, attendants who are young enough to "attend" without popping a Celebrex. (Yes, you heard me. There is an age limit on attendants.)

This brings me to another wedding faux pas: Dress your attendants appropriately. This may involve abandoning the strapless, satin, "brides-stripper" attire of which you have always dreamed. You can do better: Just keep shopping.

Finally, if you have managed to not offend your guests with poor taste in music, your wardrobe choice or having 43 bridesmaids, but you are still dying to make them uncomfortable, please dismiss them row by row or have a receiving line that is backed up to Nantucket.

"My reception, my reception." Girls, your reception in not a high school dance. Remember that.

Use adult taste in choosing your decor. When you decorate your venue in such a way that I am not sure if the cast of Spongebob Squarepants is set to appear after the cake cutting, you have not chosen as an adult would.

Secondly, remember that you are not a celebrity. Your guests are present to celebrate with you. They are not at your reception to watch you do "wedding tricks." It makes people want to go home when they have to watch you do dance routines, give long toasts and watch you have pictures made -- all before they eat a bite of food.

Biggest reception faux pas ever: Making your guests wait for the bride and groom to arrive to eat or drink.

I don't mean that dinner should be served without the happy couple, but if one anticipates that they will be detained taking pictures on cliffs and the like, then appetizers and drinks MUST be provided.

Music is a big part of the reception as well. Choose wisely. While your grandmother is still present, it is probably not wise to have the DJ or the band play "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw." Use good judgment.

I know this advice probably offended some of you. I know that it may seem a bit imperious and judgmental. These are simply my opinion, and believe me, they are just the top layer. I have many, many more. If you take nothing from this, read very closely these next statements: It is the responsibility of whomever is in charge to make sure that the guests of the evening are comfortable and at ease.

In order to make one's wedding and reception memorable, everyone needs to be having a good time. Be considerate of your guests' senses and sensibilities.