Choosing change: A victim of abuse herself, Tiffani Stone counsels troubled kids and works at the state level to prevent child sexual abuse

It's a Saturday morning in April, and Tiffani Stone is fueling up on coffee before a day of shopping in Cape Girardeau. Her mom and cousin are in tow, and their mission is to select items for Tiffani's bridal registry. The Bell City, Mo., beauty is getting married to Tyler on June 1, and she has a giddy smile on her face as she describes his proposal.

At 25, Tiffani has a supportive family, a fiance, a stable home, a college degree and a job she loves. It's a complete 180 from where she started in life, and she never expected to have any of these things. Somehow, despite her dark childhood, she has risen above and beyond, and she's not bitter about her past.

"I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's a happy story in the end," she says. "I'm not ashamed to tell my story."

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Tiffani does tell her story, and often -- she hopes to spur change and education about sexual violence and help other victims of abuse.

Tiffani was placed in her first foster home before she was a year old and was in and out of 10 different foster homes by the time she was 10. Sometimes she stayed with her grandparents and other times she went back to live with her abusive, drug-addicted mother, who was often in abusive relationships herself.

Tiffani flunked second grade because her mother didn't make her go to school, and she remembers stealing food and diapers from the grocery store so she could take care of her younger siblings.

"I had to be their caregiver because she wasn't doing it," Tiffani recalls.

The first time Tiffani was sexually abused, she was 7 or 8 and living with her biological mother. When she told her mother what the babysitter had done to her, she accused her young daughter of "enticing" the man.

"I didn't even know what that meant," says Tiffani.

The abuse continued.

Tiffani Stone and her adoptive mother Leasa at the River Campus park. (Photo by Laura Simon)

When Tiffani was 10, she was placed in foster care with Leasa Stone of Bell City. At first, they didn't get along. Tiffani lied, was mean to the other foster kids and cried to get what she wanted -- she knew her biological mother treated her badly, but she still wanted to be with her. Leasa enforced bedtime and school attendance, and Tiffani's old tricks were not working in her new home.

"I didn't care if I was disappointing someone because (my biological mother) disappointed me all the time. I was a lot like her when I came to live in Bell City," says Tiffani.

It was a struggle at first, says Leasa, and at one point she begged the social worker to take Tiffani back. But the social worker had been Leasa's contact for all of her other foster kids, and she decided to trust that she had a good reason for placing Leasa and Tiffani together.

"I saw so much potential in her. I knew she was an intelligent child," Leasa says now. "I really fell in love with her, and I would have fought tooth and nail before I let her go back to (her biological mother's) house."

Tiffani's biological mother was allowed weekly visits, but she only saw her daughter two times in two years. It was very difficult, says Tiffani, to sit in the children's services division over and over, waiting for a mother who never showed up. After one of these missed meetings, Tiffani saw her mom at a gas station; she was wearing a swimsuit and getting ready to go to the lake with her friends. It was then that Tiffani realized her mom was never going to change.

Meanwhile, things were getting better between Tiffani and Leasa. Tiffani was surrounded by loving aunts, uncles and grandparents. She went to church and school, eventually becoming a Christian and setting her sights on college. She'd never known a life like this, never had anyone tell her she was smart and that she could follow her dreams.

"She showed me how a mother was supposed to be -- she gave me the love and care I needed and deserved," says Tiffani. "I had never felt loved by somebody until I was 10 years old. ... I didn't see what a good relationship was supposed to be until I moved to Bell City."

When it became clear that Tiffani would never want to go back to her biological mother, Leasa offered to adopt her. Tiffani was only 11 or 12 when she went to court and asked her mom to sign over her parental rights, which she readily did. Tiffani's father never claimed her. She was adopted at age 13, and Tiffani says now that it was the best thing her biological mother ever did for her.

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Tiffani graduated from Southeast Missouri State University in 2011 with a degree in social work and began working at Bootheel Counseling Services.

She plans to work toward her master's degree beginning in August.

"People ask me why I want to work with those crazy kids," she says. "Well, I used to be one of those crazy kids, and they're not crazy. They're sad, they've had a lot of problems in their life, and they need to know someone loves them. And, a lot of times, I am that someone."

Tiffani hopes to show "her kids" that they can be different, they are smart, and they have potential.

"I tell my kids that life is all about choices. You can make good choices or poor choices, but if you make poor choices, you have to deal with the consequences," she says. "These kids I work with are our future. If they don't have someone helping them, where are they going to end up in 10 or 15 years?"

Tiffani has shared her story via speaking engagements at schools, with university officials and alumni, the media and even state legislators. Last year, she and Leasa served on Gov. Nixon's Task Force on the Prevention of Sexual Abuse of Children. Tiffani testified at a hearing in St. Louis, where she told her story and suggested ways the laws could be changed to prevent child sexual abuse and help the victims.

"Her testimony was so powerful. People in the audience were crying," says Leasa. "People listen to her. She's articulate, she has passion for what she does, and she gets her point across without being preachy to people. She can tear up a room with just her words."

While Tiffani has devoted her life to helping others prevent or cope with abuse, her own abuse continues to affect her in some ways.

"When you're physically abused, those bruises will go away. Sexual abuse never goes away. It doesn't matter how many showers you take; you will never get that feeling of dirtiness off of you," she says.

She went to counseling for years after she was adopted -- she needed to deal with the abuse and broken promises, and she says she still has trust issues.

"Everyone who should have been there when I was a kid didn't help me. Who's to say it won't happen now? I'm terrified my fiance will get up and walk away from me. I know he loves me -- but so did my biological mom. It's hard to trust people," she says.

The babysitter who abused Tiffani is currently in prison in Indiana for abusing several other children. It upsets her that he was able to hurt so many others before being convicted and jailed, and she fears that someday he will return to Southeast Missouri.

But again, Tiffani refuses to live in fear and sadness or let her past bring her down. She has a wedding to plan, friends and family to spend time with, and lots of kids who need her support and counseling.

"I hate the things that happened to me, especially the sexual abuse. I'll never be able to forget it. But if it were not for the things that happened to me when I was a kid, I wouldn't be where I am now. I have the best mom and the best family I've ever had," she says. "The passion I have for helping others is what motivates me and keeps me going and telling my story. I want to help people and give them hope."

READ MORE

Visit www.missourikidsfirst.org to download the report from the Missouri Task Force on the Prevention of Sexual Abuse of Children - from the homepage, enter "task force" in the search bar.