A blended family: Sometimes, marriage involves not just the bride and groom, but their children, as well

In many marriages, one or both spouses may be bringing children into the new union. Are there ways to ease into the transition of being a new family?

Beth Statler, licensed clinical social worker and owner of One Accord Counseling in Cape Girardeau, says the first key is to honor the roles of mother and father.

"A step-parent shouldn't come in and immediately try to become the parent of the child," she says. "Leave disciplining issues to the biological parent until a relationship is developed. One of the best questions for a step-parent to ask their step-child is, 'How would your mom or dad feel about you doing...?'"

Statler also advises biological parents to be aware of the feelings of their child while these new family roles are developing.

"There can be a tendency toward a lot of alignment between the biological parent and the child, so be very careful to keep lines of communication open," she says.

She also recommends regular family meetings for blended families: "It's a time to share expectations as well as issues and concerns before they escalate," she explains.

She also suggests starting new traditions.

"Build new memories that reflect the new family," she says.

Adults still need to behave as adults during this period of adjustment.

"Parental roles still need to be there and the biological parent and step-parent need to present a united front just as two biological parents do," says Statler. "Don't allow the kids to get in between the two of you, and if you have an issue with your spouse or their children, that should be discussed behind closed doors, not in front of the kids."

Statler strongly recommends premarital counseling for blended families.

"It's very important because there are so many issues, unspoken expectations and new rules," she says. "Also, there aren't many support groups in this area."

James Green, the teaching pastor at Cape Bible Chapel, recommends setting goals for achieving family harmony in a new blended family.

"Just like you would set goals for your biological kids, set goals for your new family, " he says. "Then, have conversations and come up with tactics and strategies to achieve those goals."

He also cautions against step-parents stepping in and assuming the role of parent with their step-child.

"Those roles have to be earned," says Green. "But through prayer and planning and communication and hard work, they can be achieved."

He says to look for support in others who have experienced or are experiencing the same situation as you.

"Talk to people who have gone through this, because they can empathize as well as sympathize," he says. "Ask them what worked for them."

Green says premarital counseling for blended families is key.

"If you are married in our facility or by one of our pastors, Cape Bible Chapel requires premarital wedding counseling for all couples who are planning to be married," he says.

Utahna Hancock, a partner in The Dale & Hancock Center for Individual and Family Therapy in Cape Girardeau, suggests what she calls "The Three Year Rule" when it comes to step-parenting a new spouse's children.

"In the first year of the marriage, only the natural parents handle disciplining the child," says Hancock. "If the step-parent and natural parents want to discuss how the discipline is being handled, do it out of the hearing [range] of the children, like when you are alone in the car."

In year two of the marriage, Hancock suggests the step-parent take a supportive role when it comes to disciplining the children.

"The step-parent should support their spouse in front of the children," she says. "Show them that you are a united front and that the marriage is going to last long after they are grown."

By year three of the marriage, relationships have hopefully been established.

"Everyone knows each other by this point and step-parents can feel comfortable acting as the natural parent would in terms of discipline," says Hancock.

She also shares what she calls the "Seven Stages of Step-Families."

"Stage one is sort of a fantasy stage where the couple is in love and looking forward to the marriage. There is a euphoria and lots of expectations," says Hancock. "Stage two is the reality or immersion stage where the step-parent has an outside position in the family. There is usually a very strong bond between the biological parent and the child."

Hancock refers to stage three as the awareness stage and stage four as the mobilization stage.

"In stage three, fantasies of the instant family are let go," she says. "The step-parent really gets to know this new family. In stage four, everyone starts to recognize and express differences."

Hancock says she believes stage five is the most important stage, and says it can take a lot of time and can't be rushed.

"The action stage is where families learn to negotiate, set new boundaries and have a new understanding of this new family," she says. "If you try to move through this stage too fast, it can fail."

Stages six and seven are when a step-family successfully becomes a new family.

"In stage six, the contact phase, everyone starts to get along and like each other and become friends. Step-parents now have clearly defined roles," says Hancock. "The final resolution stage occurs when everyone does get along overall, everyone knows their roles in the family and the kids realize that nobody has to replace anybody."