Recognizing the beauty of the person

A chill crept over me, as I witnessed the look on the face of the young man. He was standing alone in the room seeming so dejected and sad. As I approached him, he bravely raised his head and began to talk. Murphy was trying to hold his own and follow his chosen path of going to college. His parent’s dream was that Murphy become a minister within a church and they offered to pay for school as long as he followed that career. Murphy went along with their pressure and tried out some Bible studies as a start, but he became more and more distraught and dissatisfied. He was afraid to go against the wishes of his mom and dad because he was financially unable to pay his own way to school and he did not want to disappoint them. Both parties were unable to agree and both staunchly stood their ground.

During our conversation, he said he had decided that, despite the obvious conflict and pain, he intended to follow his calling. Murphy had previously taken a social service class and found that he loved it. Because of the exposure and doing further research, Murphy decided he wanted to major in social service. Consequently, just as they had promised, his parents withdrew from paying any expenses toward his chosen occupation. Murphy would be left to his own devices to attain that of which he dreamed. It seemed as if mom and dad were more focused on his living out “their” dream for him than in seeing him pursue that which he desired. He was at a standstill. He wondered what he would do, presently, but he vowed he would find a way to fulfill his destiny. The parents remained determined and resolute. Their main concern, they said, was that Murphy would take the wrong path and he may not turn out to be a good boy. I’m unsure how the dilemma turned out, but hopefully the parents will realize the beauty inside the boy and show their love rather than disapproval.

We are so prone to judge and condemn people through a sense of our own pride and self-righteousness’ that we fail to see what we are doing to the person and to the relationship. We can be so controlling that we, genuinely believe that we know what’s best for the individual. Murphy’s parents thought they were protecting him from the evils of the world by trying to force him to fit their mold. They showed little regard for the feelings of the young man and they were unwilling to let him go and sample life on his own. Instead, they clipped his wings and took away his aspirations. He said it was either their way or the highway. He chose the highway. Having known Murphy from his childhood, I knew what a good person he was. He was never in trouble with the law, did not use dangerous drugs, had a great personality and maintained many friends. He also tried his best at school. What beauty, I could see in him and I questioned, “Can’t the parents walk in Murphy’s shoes for a while,” knowing that all individuals have varied abilities, beliefs, experiences, and desires. It’s unfair to force our opinions and ambitions upon others, even our children.

We often write someone off, when we remember the bad things he’s done or said, not realizing that there is good in all of us. We can be prompt to treat people as non-persons, invisible people — or as someone to be merely tolerated. The victims of this abuse are so emotionally needy they endure being ignored and controlled. Murphy has so much to give to the world that his abilities ought to be allowed to blossom and bloom sharing his rays of sunshine with the world. Let us look for the beauty within others and give them the support, love and courage to tackle life on their terms whether we approve, or not. “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Let us trust in God’s wisdom.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction. She is the author of the book, “Wisdom for the Journey.”