Satire: a Future Gone to Pot

The following stories may or may not appear in future issues of B Magazine:

Spring 2021: Illinois Able to Stave off Bankruptcy for Another Year due to Marijuana Revenue

The Illinois state budget director, Phillip Mepocketz, announced today the state's pension fund will be able to avoid insolvency for another fiscal year, thanks to the sudden boom in marijuana-related businesses.

"We knew tax revenue from cannabis sales would be brisk, but we didn't expect the boom in ancillary businesses such as cannabis bed and breakfasts, pick-your-own weed farms and special brownie food trucks," he said. "Kicking the can down the road never felt so good."

Southern Illinois in particular has seen a rare economic expansion, thanks to the popularity of "winojuana," or wineries that have adopted cannabis sales. The Little Egypt Wine & Cannabis Trail has been attracting tourists from all over the Midwest.

"Let's hope the good times never end," Mepocketz boasted. "The state budget depends on it."


The Cape Girardeau City Council (CGCC) yesterday approved the establishment of a Tax Increment Financing (TIF) zone within the city's Central Business District (CBD) to help grow businesses selling cannabidiol (CBD) and other cannabis-related products.

Although the city has struggled with TIF projects in the past, this time the city fathers believe they've struck gold. The leading beneficiary will be CCCC, or Cape Cannabis Cures Company, a biotech startup pursuing clinical trials to test whether CBD can cure baldness and impotence.

"These are two problems that men will spend their life savings on to solve," explained Dr. May B. Akwack, the founder of CCCC. "If this pans out, the sky is the limit!" [Editor's note: It didn't pan out.]

Other participating downtown ventures include marijuana flower arranging (Pot in Pots), an art gallery (Cannabis on Canvas) and snack delivery by drone (Mobile Munchies).

The founder of Mobile Munchies said, "We hope these tax advantages will allow us to expand our fleet of drones so we can satisfy everybody's snack cravings. As we say, Fritos in five minutes or your next one is free!"

Winter 2031: Economists Blame Recession on Cannabis Bubble Bursting

Economists at the Federal Reserve office in St. Louis issued a report today blaming the Greater Recession of 2029 on the meltdown in the cannabis industry.

"Usually we can pin the blame for recessions on inflated stock or real estate prices, but this time it's all about the weed," said report author Dr. Gene Yuss.

As states started legalizing recreational marijuana use, they saw massive windfalls, which forced the rest of the states -- and reluctantly the federal government -- to go all in. This led to a gold rush to capitalize on the suddenly-fashionable trend of using cannabis for everything.

The demand to plant marijuana caused a sudden drop in acreage for corn, soybeans and other food crops, which caused a ripple effect through the economy.

"Those farmers who stuck with corn made out like bandits for a short time, but this caused a shock in the food supply, and the world went all higgledy-piggledy. It didn't help that worker productivity suffered a sharp and unexplained drop during this period," Yuss said. "I knew things were getting out of hand when a neighborhood kid said I should invest all my money in AirBnBong, the darling of the S&P 420. And like all expanding bubbles, this one burst with a vengeance."

Spring 2032: Marijuana Plants Overtaking Kudzu; Weed Declared a Noxious Weed

Missouri Gov. Polly Tishen signed a bill today declaring wild marijuana to be a noxious weed more dangerous than kudzu, requiring landowners to take steps to prevent it from spreading.

"Our roadsides have been infested with weed ever since the Greater Recession made marijuana prices crash," the governor said. "The mediocre wild plants that we have in Missouri aren't worth harvesting, especially since the 'good stuff' all comes from the West Coast. It's going to take a concerted effort to prevent marijuana from spreading to every square inch of land."

On the plus side, kudzu, an invasive species that was previously a nuisance, will soon be eradicated from Missouri and the states to the south.

"We've solved one problem but now have a bigger problem," the governor said.