Satire: Rise and grind.

Friday, May 10, 2019

For younger workers, the idea of "conspicuous consumption" is out.

It's been replaced by "pretentious production:" going out of the way to showcase their work habits. Social standing isn't about bling anymore. It's about how much you've contributed to the gross domestic product.

Coming in to work at 7 a.m.? Slacker! If you want to succeed in today's "rise-and-grind" culture, you've got to be at your desk at 4 a.m. Plus, you'd better make sure all of your lazier 5 a.m. co-workers (and your entire social media circle) are made aware of your virtuous work habits.

Or better yet, just spend the entire night at the office. Sleeping, eating, coffee breaks, watching television and dating? Those are all loser activities that don't do anything to elevate your prestige.

Weekends are an empty, unproductive hole on the calendar. "Thank God it's Monday" is the mantra to follow for achieving the ultimate nirvana, a 100:0 work:life balance.

Elon Musk, the idol of the hustle culture, has recommended high-achievers work a sustained 80 hours per week, sometimes surging to 100 hours, as needed.

Working until you collapse with exhaustion is perfectly acceptable. The endorphin rush of posting your latest work triumph to Instagram will make up for it, even if your paltry paycheck does not.

Do you have bags under your eyes? That's a good thing! For workaholic millennials, puffy eyes are a trophy to flaunt.

Of course, not everybody is willing to put in the ridiculous hours or sacrifice their health in order to achieve workaholic bliss. But there's always a way to cheat.

Dr. Van Ittee, a cosmetic doctor in St. Louis, has the answer. His team is now offering "facedrop surgery" to make your eyes and face appear more bloated.

"I've learned that under-eye circles are now desirable among workers at St. Louis start-up companies," he explains. "With my patented Van Ittee FaceDrop System, we can turn your lazy eight-hours-of-sleep face into a go-getter, four-hours-of-sleep face."

The doctor showed off a portfolio of recent clients. In one before-and-after comparison, a boyish 20-something entry-level worker had the circles under his eyes augmented to give the appearance of a sleep-deprived champion twice his age. He'll have no trouble climbing the corporate ladder with his new visage.

In another case, the facial features of a young woman were slightly altered to create the ideal RBF, or Resting Business Face. She exuded the appearance of a woman who was quite capable of cramming 26 hours of work into a 12-hour work day, while still carving out time to post 64 photos to Instagram about her day, volunteering at an animal shelter and writing another chapter in her novel about forbidden love in colonial Virginia.

Dr. Van Ittee confides, "She actually works a boring 9-to-5 job without much stress. But her friends and Instagram followers don't have to know that."

The doctor admitted his expertise is "somewhat dollar intensive." He says, "My clients may have to work extra to save up for the procedure. In some cases, this leads them to naturally develop an overworked trophy face on their own. Good for them!"