Time for a little humor

I have tremendous respect for my father. And in his columns over the years, he would frequently sprinkle in jokes and other diversions. For the morning after the midterms, I thought a bit of humor would be welcomed. So, with a hat tip to my dad, here are excerpts from his column originally published April 17, 2004.

The current national news has been so heavy lately … We all need a break.

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the quirky comedian who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen — and replaced by exact duplicates.”

Wright’s mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:

* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* And 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

* All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

* OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

* How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

* I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

IQ quiz

The following sounds like a quiz for those seeking athletic scholarships who need scholastic help, but go ahead and take it anyway. You’ll learn something.

Quiz: (Passing requires only four correct answers out of 10.)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get cat gut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI’s first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below.

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years.

2. Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador.

3. From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and horses.

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November.

5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur.

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs.

7. What was King George VI’s first name? Albert.

8. What color is a purple finch? Crimson.

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand.

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?

Thanks, Dad, for the humor. Enjoy your day everyone!

Jon K. Rust is publisher of the Southeast Missourian.