Size zero means nothing

As a male, my clothing choices tend to come in a very few, very basic possibilities, with small, medium, large and extra-large covering the vast majority of options for us masculine clotheshounds. Yes, occasionally one needs an actual number to obtain the correct size — for example, I get a “32x32-inch” jean, which I’ve always felt might indicate that I’m square. But that’s as tough as it gets for us guys.

Not so with females! They have to deal with a vast array of bewildering sizes, not just involving the concept of small/medium/large, etc., but also all sorts of numbers ranging from size zero to (presumably) infinity!

As if this weren’t bad enough, a size zero dress (possibly meaning you’re so thin as to be practically nonexistent) is not the same at different stores or for different brands. So you’re telling me the same size really isn’t the same size? Yes, Virginia, this is indeed the case. And thanks for asking! I don’t know how Santa Claus messes with women’s clothes at all.

The meaning of women’s sizes seems to be related to the particular establishment selling the clothing. If you’re at the upper-end clothes store (“Madam Antoinette’s Anal House of Apparel”), then a size zero implies “someone small enough to enter buildings through the keyhole.” Whereas if you’re shopping at pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum (“Betty’s Barn for Big Babes on a Budget”), then size zero might mean “someone who can still get through a doorway.” It’s all relative.

Recently I decided to buy my girlfriend a pair of pants for her birthday, thinking this would be considerably easier than a dress (I prayed for small/medium/large, of course). However, it couldn’t be that easy for women’s fashions. I looked in a mail order catalog, and the pants came in sizes like “extra-petite, petite, extra-small, small, extra-medium, medium,” etc. There were something like 10 choices! In addition, there were several other decisions involving waist, length, tightness, style and on and on.

I’m not sure, but I’m guessing the same complications invade other things ladies wear as well. Shoe sizes, for instance, may go far beyond 1-2-3 and A-B-C, for all I know (“Could I see something in a size ‘pi?’”). They may even use this same pattern on something as simple as a woman’s scarf (“May I show you something in an extra aerodynamic?”). I don’t even want to know about hats. Or underwear. Especially underwear.

Yes, women’s sizes are confusing, to say the least. The next time I get my girlfriend a gift, I think it will be a puppy. I just hope it’s the right size.

About R.W. Weeks

Rob is a retired Southern Illinois University instructor who lives on his family’s farm in Union County, Illinois. His mother, Joan, who is a nice person, lives in Cape Girardeau.