"Go Western, Young Man"

New York Tribune founder Horace Greeley famously said, "Go West, young man!" Actually, he didn't say it originally; he was quoting a man named John B. L. Soule who had printed it in an 1851 edition of the "Terre Haute Express." Now you know more than Google, which incorrectly says the original utterance of this phrase was unknown. In any case, my original admonition to you is: "Go Western, young man!" Meaning watch Western-themed movies and TV shows. I love them, and I'll try to explain why.

First of all, it's easy to tell the "good guys" from the "bad guys" in any typical Western. The people on the side of good look good, and the bad folks look evil. Certain actors -- Dan Duryea is a great example -- look mean and virtually always played the bad guy. Other friendlier faces like Jim Stewart and Audie Murphy were always on the other side. A few, such as John Wayne, could go either way.

You certainly see lots of actors and actresses who were more famous for other roles later: Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy from "Star Trek," the Skipper and the Professor from "Gilligan's Island," Uncle Joe from "Petticoat Junction," Uncle Charlie from "My Three Sons," etc. I'm watching a Western ("Tales of Wells Fargo") on TV while I'm writing this, and Richard Deacon (Lumpy's dad on "Leave It To Beaver") is in the episode. You also see Hugh Beaumont (Beaver's dad) in various Westerns, often as a bad guy, unlike his role as a father. I even saw Opie Taylor in a John Wayne movie.

There are famous actresses as well, such as Cloris Leachman. Females in Westerns form an interesting dichotomy: if you're married with kids, you're a good person. If, on the other hand, you're a "dance hall girl," then your morals are questionable. Some good girls desperate for money tried the dance hall scene as a last resort, but it never worked out.

Another comforting thing about Westerns is the predictability of most of the action. For example, you're pretty much guaranteed to see a bar brawl, a stagecoach chase and a flaming arrow. Someone will shoot the head off a rattlesnake, which is extremely unlikely in real life. And cows. Lots of cows. They'll eventually stampede, which is exciting, if predictable. Indians (Native Americans, not Indian Indians from India) are also portrayed as basically good people who live off the land and all that, but can be terribly cruel toward white people when the occasion requires it. White people can be even crueler toward the Indians, of course. Go figure.

Also comforting nowadays is the wearing of masks by the bad guys when they're robbing a stage or bank. Robbery was big in its day, which should make readers in Chicago feel right at home. On the other hand, the masks worn by the robbers were usually a plain bandanna adjusted for the purpose. You don't see any Disney "Frozen"-themed masks, or even a sports team logo. Possibly a tie dye, like you might see now.

The scenery was also often attractive, if not outright spectacular. Mountains, meadows, brawling rivers, huge pine trees and waterfalls seemed to be everywhere. A very popular dramatic Western scene involves two people slugging it out at the lip of a large waterfall threatening to push them over the edge. Finally, one prevails while the other is pushed over the falls to certain doom. I'll leave it to your imagination which one survives. (Hint: not the bad guy).

So you watch a Western, and predictable as it all is, there's something terribly satisfying about seeing the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys win. When the person who kicked orphans, killed innocent Indians and jilted the local kumquat queen finally loses out and is probably killed, it's a good feeling. I've been known to actually cheer.

Let's truly hope the good guys win in the upcoming fall election, whomever that may be. Personally, I can't tell them from the bad guys these days. They're all wearing masks.

~Rob is a retired Southern Illinois University instructor who lives on his family's farm in Union County, Illinois. His mother Joan, who is a nice person, lives in Cape Girardeau.