Bridesmaids on a budget: Keep the wedding party's budget in mind when planning your wedding

Money can be a touchy subject, even among the closest of friends. And while there are traditions of who pays for what when it comes to a wedding, the reality is that friends may not be able to pay what is expected of them. Fortunately, Cape Girardeau etiquette expert Diane Sides says those traditions have become more guidelines than rules: If the tradition doesn't work for you or your money, ditch the tradition and do what's best for you.

"The main thing to remember is that it's a time for celebration, not a time to bankrupt either side of the family," says Sides.

Every couple needs to sit down with their parents and wedding party for an honest talk about money before the plans, and expectations, get out of hand. Most couples today already live and work on their own, so it's become more common for them to pay for much, if not all, of their wedding, with their parents contributing only what they want or can afford to spend. In fact, according to The Emily Post Institute, about 70 percent of weddings are now paid for by the couple themselves, or by some combination of the couple and their parents.

A wedding can also be a financial burden for the wedding party, and the lines of communication need to go both ways, says Sides: The couple should not put friends in a position where they can't afford your demands, and the wedding party should be upfront about what they can and cannot afford.

"If people are asked to be in a wedding and they know right away that they are not going to be able to afford all that is asked, they should tell the bride or groom right away that they will not be able to participate," says Nancy Moreton of Weddings by Nancy in Cape Girardeau. "Far better to do it at the beginning than to accept and realize that the costs are out of control later on."

If, as a bridesmaid, you can't afford what the bride wants, tell her what you are able to do, and offer alternative ideas.

"Sit her down and say, 'You're one of my best friends, but I don't have the money to buy an X-priced dress, or I can't afford to fly out to Las Vegas for your bachelorette party," says Sides. "You can only be put in those positions if you allow yourself to be put in those positions. Speak up and be honest."

You might even find yourself in good company when you speak up.

"So often it only takes one person to say that, and then the other bridesmaids or groomsmen say, 'I'm so glad you said that; I can't afford to do that, either,'" says Sides.

Ultimately, though, Moreton says it's the responsibility of the bride and groom to keep in mind the budgets of everyone involved in the wedding, and it's nice to cover any extras they can, such as hair and makeup for the bridesmaids or tux rentals for the groomsmen. She adds that many of her clients now ask the bridesmaids to pay a partial amount for their dress, and the family will pay for the rest.

"Good etiquette is always about making the other person feel comfortable, and that's more true with someone in the spotlight," says Sides. "The bride and groom's job is not to be a dictator and rule what everyone does. This is a celebration, so your job is also to make sure your guests feel comfortable, and that's not going to happen if you put unwarranted expectations on them."

Who pays for what, according to tradition

The bridesmaids pay for ...

Apparel and accessories

Transportation to and from the city where the wedding takes place

Contribution to a gift from all the bridesmaids to the bride

Individual gift to the couple

Shower or luncheon for the bride (optional -- may be bride's family)

The groomsmen pay for ...

Rental or purchase of wedding attire

Transportation to and from the city where the wedding takes place

Contribution to a gift from all the groom's attendants to the groom

Individual gift to the couple

A bachelor dinner, if given by the groom's attendants

Source: The Emily Post Institute