Why a happy marriage is my most ambitious goal

I've always felt that my husband was my greatest fan and biggest cheerleader. He has supported me while I chased my dreams. Through chronic illness and little-to-no income, he's had my back. My marriage is the foundation from which many of my ambitions were launched. It is my solid rock bed of support for chasing career aspirations.

But then what?

When career ambitions settle into daily work, time together starts to get eaten away. Add a child to that mix and it's easy to take a relationship for granted and feel that solid rock will always be there. We think we'll have more time together once the kids are grown or when we retire. But like writer Ursula K. LeGuin wrote, "Love doesn't just sit there like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."

This was the part that I'd forgotten. Maybe being each other's biggest fans and greatest cheerleaders is the wrong analogy. It falls short. Fans sit in the stands and cheerleaders remain on the sidelines. When my marriage is at its best, my husband and I work together. We are on the same team, working toward shared goals. Cheering, yes, but also challenging each other to show up as our best selves. When I treat my husband like a fan, it places too much distance between us.

A few months ago, I went back to therapy. I needed to challenge some of the beliefs I'd developed over our 16-year relationship, and I had to deal with the fact that enough distance emerged between my husband and me that we had both let our generosity slip.

Brene Brown writes a lot about the stories we tell ourselves. That narrative we come up with inside our heads when we feel slighted. They are rooted in assumptions, attempting to explain whatever emotion we're feeling. Our brain craves an explanation, so it supplies one. People are really good at making negative assumptions in this process and holding on to them as the bitter truth. But if we can make negative assumptions, we can also be generous with them.

In our most trusted relationships, we can and should help one another confront those stories we tell ourselves. We can simply say, as Brown suggests, "The story I'm telling myself is ..." and be honest about the narrative we've created. It goes a long way in starting meaningful conversations. Our spouses, if anyone, deserve our generosity of spirit and deserve our honesty and openness.

I want to bring my best self to this marriage. I want to remember that my husband and I are always a team and teams must work together. Even when they disagree, teams work toward a common goal.

My marriage may be the rock-solid foundation from which my aspirations launch, but it is also one of my most ambitious pursuits. My greatest act of love for my spouse is striving to show up as my best self, bring honesty and openness with me and strive to strengthen our relationship every single day.