Want wisteria advice? Ask your wife

As many of you know, I like to putter in the yard. This includes several flower beds. And then there are a variety of shrubs and flowering trees. I like all of them.

Except, of course, the wisteria.

You have heard me complain about the wisteria in our yard. I planted it about 15 years ago. It bloomed once. I don't know what I did that year to produce blossoms. I've tried all the tricks I could find on the Internet and from talking to successful gardeners in the area. No more blooms.

So last year I gave the wisteria an ultimatum. I reminded the wisteria about what happened to the unfortunate forsythia that produced lush foliage but never bloomed. Never. There is no trace left of that forsythia. The same fate, I told the wisteria, was in store for any non-blooming vine in my yard.

(Did I actually talk to the wisteria? you might be asking. Indeed I did. Scientists can fuss all they want about the differences between plants and animals, but I happen to believe plants are way smarter than animals, including humans. So there.)

My wife has as big a soft spot in her heart for things that grow in the yard as she does for lame puppies and cross-eyed kittens. She, too, issued an ultimatum: Don't touch the wisteria; it's beautiful even if it doesn't bloom.

So all last year I gave the wisteria a wide berth whenever I had loppers in my hand. The wisteria went wild.

This week we were looking at the flowers and vines and shrubs outside our bedroom windows. Guess what? There are fat buds on the wisteria. All over. Hundreds of them.

The wisteria is blooming. For my wife. Of course.

Because of my now vast experience with the propagation of wisteria, I am going to share some valuable pointers. I call this my five-step plan for wisteria success.

Step 1: Look at the wisteria at the garden center. Compare prices and varieties. Then listen to your wife when she says the neighbor will let you dig up as much wisteria as you want.

Step 2: Buy a trellis for the wisteria. If you want a trellis guaranteed to hold up over the years, think titanium. Think thousands of dollars. Then listen to your wife when she says it doesn't matter what kind of trellis you get because the wisteria will support itself.

Step 3: Find everything you can online about the proper care for wisteria vines. Then listen to your wife when she suggests blocking all Internet access to any website having to do with wisteria.

Step 4: Threaten to put out a contract on any wisteria that shows a reluctance to bloom. Hire a Mafia enforcer to get the point across. Then listen to your wife as she coos encouragement to all the plants, including the blossom-shy wisteria, while they thrive.

Step 5: Skip steps 1 through 4. Listen to your wife.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful. I know if you follow my advice you will save yourself a lot of grief.

And I hope you'll drive by and see my wisteria in full bloom over the next week or two. You'll probably say to yourself, "That Joe, he sure has a green thumb."

And a smart wife.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.