The Cape quiz: Positively no math involved

Cape Girardeau has so many good things going for it, and forecasts say there are more good things to come.

Good.

But I suppose there is no perfect place on earth, is there? Even with so many positives, our fair city still manages to throw a few baffling situations our way.

When I say "our way" I mean my way. And yours, too.

Since we all share many of these little obstructions, I thought I might offer you a little quiz to see how you evaluate perplexing realities.

Are you up for this? Here goes.

Situation No. 1: You are southbound on Mount Auburn Road approaching William Street. The light, of course, is red. Several minutes later, the light turns green -- unless, of course, you blinked both your eyes at exactly the same time. Two southbound cars make it through the intersection if the last car enters the intersection just as the light turns red. At this rate, how long will it be before your grandchildren graduate from high school?

A. They don't deserve to graduate if they ignore your repeated warnings to avoid major intersections whose traffic signals are run by computers and cameras.

B. They will graduate eventually -- which is soon enough -- if they ignore that pesky yellow light, which lasts exactly two seconds.

C. The light should be replaced by an irritated rooster, which would crow to indicate when southbound traffic should advance. This way more cars would get through at one time.

Situation No. 2: You approach the roundabout at Fountain and Morgan Oak streets near the River Campus. There has not been another car through the roundabout since 11:22 p.m. last night. Just as you arrive at the roundabout another car appears in front of you and stops. The driver of the other car looks both ways, says a "Hail, Mary" and waits for the truck turning left onto Lorimier Street a block away to exit that intersection. Should you:

A. Politely honk your horn to indicate it has been safe to enter the roundabout for at least the last 14 hours?

B. Cautiously pass the waiting car and enter the roundabout, scrunching your tires on the difficult-to-see curbs?

C. Make a U-turn on Morgan Oak and head for the roundabout at Lexington Street and Route W where any motorist who hesitates would be crushed?

Situation No. 3: You have been asked to serve on a citizens advisory panel to help the city decide where to locate its new police station. You suggest the police presence should be close to where the most shootings occur. The city nods and moves the police station to Arena Park, having mistakenly thought you said "where most hootings occur." Do you:

A. Make hearing tests mandatory for all city officials, since this isn't the first time they've claimed you were misunderstood?

B. Move all future shootings as close to frozen custard as possible?

C. Volunteer to direct traffic at the Kingshighway and Cape Rock Road intersection?

Situation No. 4: You have been asked to serve on an advisory panel to help the Chamber of Commerce decide where to relocate its office. You suggest the chamber presence should be close to Interstate 55 traffic at a highly visible and easily accessible location, next to a new visitors center. The chamber nods and moves its office to a thriving downtown technology center where most passing traffic is headed for the casino -- about as far as you can get from I-55 without jumping the river to Illinois. Do you:

A. Increase your annual chamber contribution, recognizing the move downtown is a great idea?

B. Park in the public parking lot at the foot of Broadway and become a devoted exercise buff by walking up the hill to the new office location?

C. Vote for a half-cent transportation tax to bring back trolleys?

Situation No. 5: You are driving westbound on Bloomfield Road approaching the I-55 overpass. You are paying particular attention, because this is not the widest overpass in the world, and it looks even narrower because of the weeds, mostly Johnson grass, that flourishes on both sides of the road. Do you:

A. Report a violation of the weed ordinance?

B. Stop your car in the middle of the road while you douse the weeds with Roundup?

C. Get other motorists to help you look for any marijuana that might be thriving in the weed patch?

Some of you, being especially astute readers, will immediately recognize that all of these are trick questions, and the right answer is, naturally, D. All of the above.

Or E. None of the above.

See how easy this test is?

Fickle traffic signals, office locations that have raised a few eyebrows and weeds are, as problems go, a light load for a town as progressive as Cape Girardeau.

Maybe what would best resolve these situations is a better effort at explaining. We hear a lot about transparency these days. Many folks believe straightforwardness is a good thing. And getting the skinny on why traffic signals, for example, can't be adjusted to accommodate traffic patterns would go a long way toward better understanding and less coffee-shop chatter.

Just a thought.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.