Teen dating isn't really the best practice for adult relationships

Valentine's Day is upon us, and my son is gearing up for a "friendship party" with his second grade class. I love this view of the day. The focus on friendship has a longer view on love than the pressure of passion with hearts and flowers.

Our son is only 8 years old. Friendship is the only thing on his mind when it comes to relationships. However, when our daughter announced she had a boyfriend in middle school, I watched my husband clench. He saw this as a distraction from schoolwork and more important things. I considered her middle school crush to be practice for when she's older. I thought if she experienced romance on a smaller scale while still at home in a safe environment, then we could help her navigate those new emotions and physical attractions. That's what we aimed to do as parents. But was I right? A recent study says maybe not.

Researchers from the University of Virginia and James Madison University followed 165 adolescents as they aged from 13 to 30 to learn what best predicted who would experience satisfying romantic relationships in their late 20s and into adulthood.

It turns out the best practice comes from friendships.

The study's lead researcher, Joseph P. Allen, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, says the "greater stability found in same-gender friendships, allows for more long-term practice with the kinds of give-and-take needed to successfully handle romantic relationships in adulthood."

Happily coupled adults experience emotional intimacy that, outside of the physical component, feels like deep long-term friendship. The study further identified key developmental milestones that proved important down the road. None were related to adolescent dating. Rather, the most important predictors of adult romantic satisfaction were:

• at age 13, the ability to establish positive expectations of peers and be appropriately assertive with them;
• from ages 15 to 16, the ability to manage an array of peer relationships and to establish close friendships;
• and from ages 16 to 18, the ability to establish and maintain close, stable friendships.

Bottom line? Dr. Allen says, "although teen dating could in some ways be viewed as practice for adult romantic relationships, in reality, teen same-gender friendships provide far better practice."

It turns out our 8-year-old's friendship party at school is the best way to support healthy long-term relationships down the road.