Spouses are often in denial about being in unhappy marriages

Dear Dr. Dobson: Do you feel there is a kind of "blindness" that can occur when a victim of an affair denies the truth? I seemed to experience this when my husband was fooling around with my best friend. The affair went on for two years before I could acknowledge it. But why would I deny the truth? Why do victims "choose" to be blind?

Dear Reader: That psychological process is called denial, and it is designed to protect the mind from an unacceptable thought or reality. Once a person admits to himself or herself that a beloved spouse has been unfaithful, then he or she is obligated to deal with that circumstance. The painful experiences of grief, anxiety and insomnia become inevitable once the truth has been faced. Furthermore, the injured person fears a confrontation with the unfaithful partner might drive the spouse into the arms of the new lover. Given these concerns, the person consciously or unconsciously chooses not to notice the affair in the hope that it will blow over and be forgotten.

When the evidence of unfaithfulness becomes overwhelming, a man or woman will sometimes "ask" the guilty spouse to assist with the denial. This is done by making accusations in the hope of being proven wrong. For example, a wife will say, "Are you and Donna seeing one another?"

"No, I've told you a thousand times that nothing is going on," he lies.

"But where were you until 2 a.m. last night?"

"I had car trouble. Will you get off my back?"

This wife knows her husband's story is phony. Interestingly, she does not feel obligated to "blow the whistle" on him until he admits his involvement ... which may never happen. These tacit agreements help her maintain the illusion that "all is well," and provide an environment in which the husband can play around.

Denial has many applications and uses in human experience. It will permit parents to ignore the drugs in their son's bedroom, or the debt the family is accumulating. Through this process the mind is protected for a time, it often permits even greater disasters to gain a foothold in our lives.

Dear Dr. Dobson: Why do you think parents are so quick to criticize themselves? What is the source of the self-doubt which seems so prevalent?

Dear Reader: It is a cultural phenomenon. Mothers, especially, have been blamed for everything that can conceivably go wrong with children. Even when their love and commitment are incalculable, the experts accuse them of making grievous errors in toilet training, disciplining, feeding, medicating and educating their youngsters. They are either over-possessive or undernurturing. Their approach is either harsh or permissive. One psychiatrist even wrote a book on the dangers of religious training, blaming parents for scaring children with talk of the next world. Thus, no matter how diligently Mom approaches her parenting responsibilities, she is likely to be accused of twisting and warping her children.

Perhaps this explains why some women are more critical of themselves than men. Eighty percent of the respondents to a poll we took were women, and their most frequent comment was, "I'm a failure as a mother!" Women have been taught to think of themselves in this way, and it is time to set the record straight.

The task of procreation was never intended to be so burdensome. Children are challenging, to be sure. But the guilt and self-doubt that often encumber parenting are largely self-imposed.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.