Somebody walks into a bar. Bartender says ...

Two deer walk into Joe's yard. (This was Monday afternoon, by the way.) One deer says to the other, "You know, if we had walked into a bar, we'd be halfway through a joke by now."

"You're right!" says the second deer. "Why don't we jump over to a bar and finish the joke."

"Great idea," says the first deer.

Next thing you know, the two young deer are walking into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll it be?"

First deer says, "Two beers, please." And second deer says, "Make mine a Stag."

(Insert long pause here.)

"That's it?" says the first deer. "That's the joke?"

"Yeah, it's kinda lame, isn't it?"

"We should have stayed in Joe's yard."

(Insert another long pause here.)

Now you know why I don't do stand-up comedy. But when those two young deer moseyed around a few of my neighbors' yards and then decided to visit our yard as well, the first thing that came to mind was "Two deer walk into *... ."

Our neighbor, Miss Kitty, called to give us the deer alert. The next morning we learned another neighbor, Sue, also had enjoyed the visit from the two young deer.

How do I know the deer were young?

Easy. Remember when the two deer went into the bar and ordered beers? The bartender thought they might be underage, so he carded them. Sure enough, they were barely teenagers.

There's a point to all of this. There has to be. But darned if I can figure it out. Want to give it a go?

(Insert, if you're still with us, a bit of a groan here.)

How many "Somebody walks into a bar" jokes do you think you've heard in your lifetime? I've heard my share, too.

One of my all-time favorites:

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. Bartender says, "Five beers, coming right up."

(Think about this one, if you don't get it right away.)

However, of all the "Somebody walks into a bar" jokes, here is my second-favorite. I'd love to share my top favorite, but it's a mite risque for a publication that might be Googled by an impressionable young child.

Here it is. Joe's second-favorite "Somebody walks into a bar" joke.

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his bar-stool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No, seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in perfect alignment today. Absolutely perfect. And that, my friend, means that for today -- and today only -- gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger unlatches the window, and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up toward our disbelieving guy, re-enters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger come back into the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly plunges to his death.

The man with glasses returns to his bar stool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "You can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

(OK. As you can see, there are no more jokes. Go ahead and swallow those Cheerios.)

A priest, a rabbi, a preacher, a snake charmer, a tattooed lady, seven ducks and the president of the United States walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What's this? A joke?"

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.