Reason 1,277 that we need grandkids

Some youngsters go to the fair and stand on their tiptoes so they can get past the "You must be this tall" signs in front of some of the scariest rides.

I was never one of those youngsters.

The bright, colorful photograph on the front page of Thursday's newspaper reminded me of that.

The picture showed a worker setting up the teacup ride.

There. That's something I can handle.

The problem is that adults my size tend to stand out a mite when they get on teacup rides and merry-go-rounds. By themselves.

That's why having children and grandchildren is so handy. With a straight face, you can tell the ride operator, "I have to go with (insert name here) so (he or she) won't be scared."

Right. The ride operator wishes he could charge big babies like me double for tickets. Or even triple for really BIG babies.

Despite all the advantages of being my age -- too old to go on fair rides that turn you upside-down and sideways at the same time -- I am disadvantaged because I don't have any children handy to take on the kiddie rides I enjoy.

(I must confess that I had to give up riding the Shetland ponies for fear of being arrested for animal cruelty, not because there was no child to ride with me.)

What I need, for so many reasons, is grandchildren. And my wife would certainly second that.

But when you have grown sons in their 30s who seem to be in no hurry to give you a good reason to linger in the toy department of any store, you have to try really hard to remind yourself that there's an upside to no grandchildren. For instance, think of all the money you're saving for your retirement.

OK. I'd still rather have grandkids.

My wife and I have not been shy about reminding our sons of their duty to extend the family tree. If they don't have children, we say, they are the last of this branch of the Sullivans. And do they want that on their consciences? So far they don't seem to mind a bit.

We've stopped short of telling our sons, "Have children, or else." Quite frankly, we can't think of what the "else" would be. After all, we can't ground them. We didn't even do that when they were teenagers.

So my wife and I have stooped to being grandparents vicariously. When we see a cute youngster, we stop and make a fuss. Most parents are pleased. Some are not. Which is how I imagine it would be if those little ones really were our grandchildren.

And we have our favorite make-believe grandchildren in the world of make-believe: TV. Who cannot get all mushy over those adorable kids on "Medium," even if their mother could use a prescription for Ambien and their father could, for once in his life, get a haircut.

Oops. Starting to sound like parents again, aren't we?

We are reduced to telling our flesh-and-blood sons that, in addition to all the reasons we've given for needing grandchildren, they are also depriving their father of rides in teacups and on gaudily painted carousel horses at the fair.

Guilt.

It works so well in most cases, but not for our sons.

That doesn't keep us from trying.

We are, after all, parents who are old enough to be Grandpa and Grandma.

Sons, our biological clocks are ticking.

Are you paying attention?

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.