PUT GOVERNMENT INTO PROFIT COLUMN

KENNETT, MO. -- If there is one profound, undying truth of government in this land of the free (to be taxed) nation of ours, it is that regardless of the circumstances, every form of government will sooner or later run out of money.

This is perhaps an obvious view to advance, but it's quite useful. Even truer is the assertion that this transformation from official affluence to abject public poverty can occur in a remarkably brief period, sometimes as rapidly as 24 hours.

You need not take my word for it.

Examine, if you will, the statements of former President Bill Clinton as he recently left his home for the past eight years, declaring all the while that he was leaving his successor with a healthy economy, a burgeoning revenue surplus and nothing but blue sky all term long.

No sooner did Bill leave town than the stock market turned south, tax revenue began slowing and dark clouds began forming.

The same fate befell Missouri's new governor, Bob Holden, whose two predecessors, the late Mel Carnahan and Roger Wilson, collected huge crowds of admirers who cheered their draconian deeds that created a running over of Missouri's surplus-money jar.

Within hours after Holden had raised his hand to take the oath of office, he was informed by budget officials that, well, you know, sometimes these things don't add up and, pardon us, but you've got a financial crisis on your hands, which is another way of saying you need more dough before you eat cake.

If you examine the records of all of our former presidents and governors, you'll find a consistent pattern: Their predecessors handed them a cash surplus that, somehow, mysteriously, vanished into thin air, ruining the appetites of the new incumbents and destroying their ability to relax and have a little fun before it came time to make a decision on granting clemency to a reformed mass murderer scheduled to be executed.

Frankly, I've always thought that anyone seeking a public office that included the power to grant or withhold clemency in a state or federal execution was a little daft. I can't imagine looking back on a tenure in public office and instead of hearing grateful crowds cheering me on, all I could see were the faces of fellow citizens I had dispatched to that Great Prison in the Sky.

This loss of ready cash to help out neighbors down the street is facing both President Bush and Governor Holden.

And unless I'm wrong, the prospect of tax revenue slowdowns will get worse, not better, in the near future. For some presidents and governors, this headache has been transformed into political cardiac arrest, an oftentimes deadline condition for elected officials anxious to enhance their resume.

Clearly what's needed is a list of alternatives that can be converted to cash faster than a swindler can unload his Swiss bank account.

As a public service, I've got a few ready-cash plans that can save not only duly elected administrations in Washington and Jefferson City but will also restore the image of popular candidates who face the danger of immediate public black-listing, not to mention voter lynching.

If politicians had the right to institute profit-making enterprises upon reaching a revenue emergency, we might all sleep better, so let's put our thinking caps on and hatch some cash-enhancing ideas that will ensure our domestic tranquility and expand the life span of elected officials beyond the longevity of pet Pekinese puppies.

Scheme No. 1: Governments can expect to raise cash quickly if their chief executives are bright enough to be selected to appear on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Put a president or a governor in the seat opposite Regis, and immediately the networks get nervous, worrying whether powerful politicians will become angry if they're denied the prize. Even if one of these official contestants never went to school in his lifetime, the networks will figure out a way to give him the prize money, even if they have to stuff the cash in a shoe box the network is sending him home with. A million might not get governments moving again, but it's at least enough to double armed guards around the White House or Executive Mansion.

Scheme No. 2 : One of the most profitable enterprises to be found in the Land of the Free is gambling, which must divvy up huge fortunes just to open its doors and then hand over like amounts every time there's an election campaign. It's like having to pay your way into the supermarket.

All that would be required to put an administration back on its feet is an act that nationalizes all forms of gambling, and if there are any winners, all the president or governor need do is send in the IRS, FBI, CIA and SEC and pretty soon all winnings are being deposited in U.S. and state bank accounts.

Scheme No. 3: Perhaps the most profitable scam in existence is the stock market, and if pre-puberty teens can launch their own dot-com companies, so can Uncle Sam and his 50 governors. Stock issued by Missouri can realize an initial public offering of billions of dollars, perhaps even enough to get the 20-year road plan completed before the next millennium.

Just to make certain there's enough money around to finance higher legislative and judicial salaries and re-carpet all legislative and congressional offices, our elected executives could nationalize the backsides of millions of lobbyists who conduct what is laughingly called the public's business in Washington and Jefferson City. This would assure that every kissy politician in Washington County and Cole County has ample opportunity to see and read the emblazoned rules of conduct.

Sufficient money in government coffers may not be a binding rule, but it's essential as a deterrent to prevent politicians from stealing it or using it to build new stadiums.

~Jack Stapleton is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.