NEWTON'S LAW: POLITICIANS PLAY NAME GAME, BUT NOT ALWAYS TO THEIR LIKING

Maybe this should be listed in the category of worst new trends: name mutilation for the sake of political opportunism.

A candidate for Missouri lieutenant governor is Richard Thomas Pisani ... rather, that was his name until Monday. Now, thanks to a St. Louis judge, his name is formally Richard Thomas Bullet Train Pisani.

Besides playing hell on all his monogrammed attire, as well as being a mouthful for after-dinner emcees, the name will sufficiently clutter the August primary ballot. It is an eye-catcher, which is sort of the point.

People in the Missouri secretary of state's office balked at including the nickname "Bullet Train" on the ballot, as Pisani had requested. The burden of deciding the crucial question was lifted with the judge's ruling.

Besides, anyone who would go to the trouble of having their name legally changed to include the words "Bullet Train" should get what they ask for as a ballot identification.

Pisani's interest in this name is related to his support of a proposal to build a high-speed train across Missouri. So, it could be worse. He might have been a booster of improved sewers, a circumstance that would leave him with a more low-tech selection of nicknames.

He is not the only candidate who will flirt with parenthesis on ballots this year. An Illinois state representative hopeful, Norma Champion, will have her name displayed on a voting form as "Aunt Norma," a name by which she is known in Springfield.

More often, these bracketed nicknames are better suited to mobsters (Salvatore "Sammy Bull" Gravano), musicians (Eric "Slow Hand" Clapton) or athletes (Roger "Rocket" Clemens). Occasionally, you'll find this in politics (Christopher "Kit" Bond), but this name schizophrenia is usually kept apart from official documents.

A liberal application of these ballot regulations would lead to no shortage of "Brother Love" and "Sister Sue" entries for voters to choose from. No doubt they would be maneuvered to some political advantage.

If a lieutenant governor candidate felt the name "Bullet Head" would garner more votes than "Bullet Train," guess which one would be chosen.

Presidential candidates with nicknames that are already in broad circulation certainly would find no reason to repeat them on a ballot.

Bill Clinton has been saddled with the derisive moniker "Slick Willie," which lacks some of the homespun voter sentiment something like "Aunt Norma" would generate.

And "Moonbeam" hardly seems the kind of thing Jerry Brown would care to promote, particularly given his inclination for restructuring the past. It would be as likely Paul Tsongas would accept "Fudd" as part of his ballot designation.

Brown, whose campaign has hammered away at national revenue mending, probably wouldn't object to including the words "Flat Tax" along with his name on ballots. However, it might work to his disadvantage if this name was used in his introduction at campaign appearances, especially if enunciated poorly in a noisy setting; some might think he is boasting of a posterior distinction.

George Bush has enough on his resume to spark any number of ballot handles. George "Read My Lips" Bush probably wouldn't play well with some conservatives who were burned doing just that. The president himself possibly wouldn't see the humor in a ballot entry that contains the words "Read My Mind."

As a personal choice, I favor a sendup of the Ann Richards' putdown of the president, that "real Texans don't wear ties that have little whales on them."

I would vote for his re-election if the words George "Whaler" Bush appeared on the ballot.