NEWTON'S LAW: CIVILITY IMPEDES OPPORTUNITY FOR A SENATOR FROM MISSOURI

Christopher Bond, U.S. senator from Missouri, missed a chance last week to score some political points at home. With the same gesture, he demonstrated his civility.

So, what is he doing in Washington?

As stories go that emerge from the nation's capital, many bordering on the absurd, this one ranks with the nuttiest. According to an article published in a Capitol Hill newsletter, Congress Daily, Bond was on the receiving end of a slap by colleague Daniel Patrick Moynihan.

The report was confirmed by a couple of different sources, though Moynihan aides denied the incident occurred and Bond said he didn't care to discuss it.

The newsletter said Moynihan, a New York Democrat, was angered by a speech Bond made on the Senate floor. The Missourian criticized a measure Moynihan added to highway legislation last year for the financing of a new courthouse in Brooklyn.

Bond said the courthouse provision steers money away from legitimate highway projects.

Afterwards, Moynihan approached Bond and struck him with an open-palmed smack on the shoulder. The senators then went nose to nose in an argument, but no further blows were thrown.

This sort of thing is no longer common on Capitol Hill. Gentility has spoiled most opportunities for legislative pugilism.

In both chambers of Congress, lawmaker references are always to "my esteemed colleague" or "the distinguished gentleman." Hollow praise in floor debate piles up quicker than manure at a crowded stable ... and many of the other characteristics apply, too.

Instead of fisticuffs, backstabbing is viewed in Washington as more urbane enterprise. The untimely news leak does more damage than an uppercut ever could.

In its colorful existence, the U.S. Capitol has been witness to any number of heated exchanges where words wouldn't suffice. Before ~C-Span brought the potential for turning all legislative scuffles into Rodney King spectacles, lawmakers would occasionally put up their dukes in defense of their honor.

Frontier mentality of an earlier day, and the lack of candle-powered weapon detectors, meant that senators probably carried guns into their august chamber at one time or another. Not even the NRA-backed folks, with all their Second Amendment bluster, are allowed to pack rods on the Senate floor these days.

Where Bond missed his bet was allowing instinctive decency to get in the way of political intuition. When slapped by Moynihan, the Missourian, in effect, turned the other cheek. He got in his colleague's face, true, but the slap was still unanswered.

Look at it this way: Moynihan is the kind of guy Bond's constituents love to hate, an Eastern liberal who is something of a blowhard and looks capable of talking down to anyone west of the Hudson River.

Not only that, Moynihan was producing pork that wasn't Missouri pork ... hence, he was on the wrong side of the issue. Why should Midwesterners be saddled with the expense of a courthouse in Brooklyn when roads need paving between Poplar Bluff and West Plains?

Thus, Bond could have assured his re-election this fall, posting landslide numbers, by jacking the jaw of this uppity New Yorker. No Missouri voter would hold it against the senator for decking Moynihan.

Besides, Moynihan looks like he hasn't done a sit-up in years; a decent left would have dropped him like a sack of potatoes.

On reflection, Sen. Bond probably realizes that. One well-placed punch could have gotten him some votes this fall. Manners got in his way. Oh, well, he's only a freshman ... he'll learn.