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OpinionJuly 10, 1991

A friend of mine once offered the opinion that American history was well-served by the rejected U.S. Supreme Court nomination of Robert Bork. Don't look too deeply here: his view was not the same as the Norman Lear/Bella Abzug/Benjamin Hooks crowd. It is more the opinion of a cosmetologist. Bork, he claimed, has the planet's cheesiest beard, and his elevation to the Supreme Court would reflect badly on our government...

A friend of mine once offered the opinion that American history was well-served by the rejected U.S. Supreme Court nomination of Robert Bork. Don't look too deeply here: his view was not the same as the Norman Lear/Bella Abzug/Benjamin Hooks crowd.

It is more the opinion of a cosmetologist. Bork, he claimed, has the planet's cheesiest beard, and his elevation to the Supreme Court would reflect badly on our government.

As if a government $200 billion in the red each year needs ill-considered facial hair to help it look bad.

I reminded my friend that Abraham Lincoln had a rather unkempt beard and managed to distinguish himself in matters of American public policy.

My friend responded: "Yeah, and look what happened to him."

Okay, maybe John Wilkes Booth was more fastidious than history has recorded. Maybe this beard revisionism is something historians will take up now that the matter of Zachary Taylor's death has been resolved.

As for Bork, his posterior will never find comfort in the leather chairs of this land's highest court. His nomination to that body by President Reagan was nipped in the bud by political opportunism and left-leaning zealotry ... not to mention that beard thing.

That is not to say Bork wasn't given some lovely parting gifts for playing. But his consolation prizes have little to do with jurisprudence and much to do with American affection for icons, both good and ill.

Let me explain how that works. Pro-choice groups and some women's organizations have voiced their opposition to the confirmation of Bush appointee Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. These groups contend Thomas will not be sympathetic to their agendas, particularly the care and maintenance of Roe vs. Wade.

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A rank-and-file member of one of these groups was being interviewed the other day about the strategy for defeating the Thomas nomination. How will it be done? The woman responded, "We're going to Bork him."

"Bork" him. It has a ring to it.

Three things must be said. One, this is a masterful use of language. In one word a woman has wrapped up all the pressures and reprisals and hysteria of a Senate confirmation battle; interest groups won't just turn the heat up on senators and nominee, they will "Bork" them.

Two, this woman has managed to take what sounds like a fraternity house slander and convert it into a mainstream political maneuver. Although that may not be as rare as you'd think in Washington, she deserves some points for invention.

And, three, Bork can not be altogether unhappy about his circumstance. Okay, he narrowly missed a chance to practice his profession at its highest level; he didn't even manage the distinction of being the number one whipping boy of liberals for the 1980s, Oliver North having beaten him out.

Still, he got a sweet book deal, spent some time rubbing shoulders with political big boys and was elevated to that special brand of martyrdom reserved for conservatives who get caught in the act of being conservative. Above all, he saw his name turned into a verb; only the loftiest of cultural idols can hope for such a thing.

And regardless of all the denials coming out of the White House, George Bush has fulfilled a quota by nominating Thomas.

Thurgood Marshall's resignation left the Supreme Court without a mustache. (True, that Scalia character has five o'clock shadow worthy of Richard Nixon and Joe Torre, but that doesn't count.) With Thomas confirmed, there will be at least one adorned upper lip on the high court.

Don't discount these facial hair concerns in the Oval Office.

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