NEWTON'S LAW: A QUESTION FIT FOR A QUEEN: `WHY NOT CAPE GIRARDEAU?'

When it comes to traveling, Queen Elizabeth II is the 1,000-pound gorilla. Where does she go? Anywhere she wants.

And in a lifetime of traveling about, with a free lunch waiting at every stop, a movable feast with no boundaries, her royal highness has chosen for her current tour ... well, barbecue.

On this journey to the colonies, the queen will spend several days in Texas. Why?

Maybe she has a hankering for a big piece of beef cooked over a fiery pit. Maybe she enjoyed the show "Dallas," which was said to be a big hit in Great Britain.

Maybe she heard there was nobility to be found in Texas oil barons and the Sir Douglas Quintet.

Whatever the reason, there was her majesty in Austin this week, at a podium with Ann Richards, governor of the Lone Star State and proclaimer of George Bush having been born with "a silver foot in his mouth."

Days earlier, the queen had dined at the White House, earning an unambiguous view of Bush and whether he had any appendages, silver or otherwise, obstructing the path of food. Since it is beneath the queen to deal in unwashed matters of political rhetoric, the British guest didn't remind Richards of the famous quote.

There is no accounting for the fascination British royalty holds in the American public. Thus, we should not be mystified that the British have some interest in Texas.

Understand that there is some historical perversity involved. The colonies tossed out imperial rule more than two centuries ago. Texans told the Mexicans to take a hike in the same fashion.

Thus, the British might just be captivated by the roughneck tactics with which Americans obtain real estate; perhaps the reserved English character is attracted to domineering types.

So Queen Elizabeth II will pass some days this week in a place where not even Edna Ferber could keep up with the legends. The society matrons of Houston will eradicate the gown racks of Neiman-Marcus in preparation for a few moments in the presence of aristocratic bloodlines.

It is unlikely the queen will see protocol breached in Texas and a hug delivered to her royal person, as happened at a Washington housing project last week. It is highly likely that the queen will hear at least one "YAAAA-HOOOO" while touring Texas.

So, if we ask the question, "Why Texas?", we should also ask, "Why not Cape Girardeau?"

It's not a foolish notion. Hey, they got that cruise boat for Riverfest. Why not do some letter writing, maybe get a corporate sponsor, and see if we can't fetch the queen to our fair city?

There are several things to recommend a royal visit:

The queen would feel right at home here. Within our domain are the Crown Shoe Rack, Royal Optical, Dairy Queen and Princess Otahki's grave. From time to time, the Delta Queen and Mississippi Queen pay a visit. We even have a Kingshighway.

A reception could be arranged at the Show Me Center. If that facility is good enough for Dutch Reagan and Tina Turner, the queen shouldn't have any objections.

Cape Girardeau may now have more murals per capita than any town in the world. Don't tell me that's not a selling point.

There are no crown jewels in Cape Girardeau, but maybe we could arrange for the queen to have an audience with Sparkles.

Our city's colorful history includes the story of Ensign Girardot getting thrown from a naval vessel in the Mississippi River, swimming to shore and founding this community. The British love to hear about drunken Frenchmen doing foolish things.

Let's not take a back seat to Texas. We shouldn't be satisfied until we see Elizabeth II standing on Water Street and pondering the flood wall.