MISSOURIANA

Warning: Hanging around the office of Missouri Attorney General can be hazardous to your reputation. For further information, contact Clarence Thomas or Bill Webster.

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Wars have been fought over matters less significant than Nebraska's 6306 shellacking of the Missouri Tigers.

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We guess the reason Mario Cuomo is still undecided about running for president is because no one knows what Sonny Bono is going to do.

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After playing the final three games in Minnesota's echo-chamber stadium, it was a week before Atlanta Braves players could hear they'd lost the World Series.

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President Bush orders the F.B.I. to uncover who leaked the Anita Hill testimony. If J. Edgar Hoover were still around, at least we'd know who Clarence Thomas thought it was.

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If that NRA slogan about guns not killing people is correct, then how come the St. Louis Police Department isn't buying back people?

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That economic conference between Bush and Gorbachev was reminiscent of two homeless vagrants talking about the killing they would have made if they'd bought more pharmaceutical stocks.