MISSOURIANA

Political candidates are like relatives who come for a long visit: You can't wait for them to leave, and they don't seem so bad after they've gone.

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The kid who caught the baseball in right field at Yankee Stadium is well on his way to the major leagues if he can learn to chew tobacco and spit in an umpire's face.

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Listening to presidential debates is like attending a play you've already seen a hundred times: The dialogue is always the same, and so is the plot.

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The difference between presidential debates and the baseball playoffs is that spectators really care who goes to the World Series.

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For women, the presidential contest boils down to choosing between someone your parents wouldn't let you date in high school and one who reminds you of your school principal.

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Governor Carnahan still hasn't answered Margaret Kelly's charge that during his administration Missouri has had two disastrous floods

-- Jack Stapleton, Kennett