MISSOURIANA

The only drawback for average Americans in having Mark McGwire as our new national hero is that our own lives now seem so, you know, average.

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No wonder Mark McGwire is so strong. After he hits each home run, he has to lift his son into the air.

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Life has its ups and downs. While most Americans are cheering a new national hero, consider the jeers being given to the Oakland executive who sold McGwire to the Cardinals.

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Mark McGwire's use of the steroid androstenedione would be much worst is anyone could pronounce it.

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George Stephanopoulos is reportedly writing a tell-all book, proving that the means justifies the ending.

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No one can say the Starr report doesn't have something for almost everyone in America: historians, politicians, lawyers, public employees, political scientists and pornographers.

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Zippergate is expected to have far-reaching consequences, such as the expectation of seeing more wives accompanying their legislative husbands in Jefferson City.

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Bill Clinton's real hometown must have been Hopeless, Ark.

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Americans are generally applauding John Glenn's space venture. The only hitch seems to be that the 77-year-old senator keeps forgetting the numbers during the countdown.

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Saddam Hussein continues to defy U.S. officials, violates rules handed down by the United Nations and lies about what he's hiding. Where is Kenneth Starr when we need him?

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Saddam Hussein can deny he pays any attention to events in America all he wants to, but his first-rate denial of the obvious and his determined stonewalling appear to be Clinton ripoffs.