MISSOURIANA

Nothing much works in Missouri. We have an underfunded highway-constructions plan, gambling riverboats that can't float and a $3 billion desegregation program that seems to have made kids dumber.

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An old-timer is someone who can still remember when we voted for politicians because they promised to protect U.S. businesses from bankruptcy by Far Eastern manufacturers.

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Gov. Mel Carnahan urges legislators to pass programs to improve the health and education of preschoolers. You can always tell a politician is a lame duck when he favors projects for non-voters.

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Environmentalists claim Earth's atmosphere is getting warmer without explaining why half of North America is freezing.

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Legislators argue that gamblers know how to get around the $500 loss limit at Missouri's casinos, which helps explain why there are more smart gamblers than smart politicians.

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Missouri politicians promise to find solutions to increased road rage, which safety experts say is primarily caused by those very same politicians.

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Reaction is mixed to the proposed new Missouri slogan of "Where the Rivers Run." The most popular word so far is "Dam."