MISSOURI WATCH: TOP 10 REASONS FOR 15-YEAR FIASCO

Missourians have been receiving a large and varied number of explanations for the expected failure of their state's 15-Year Road Plan, but the problem is so complex that no single reason answers all of taxpayers' questions. As a public service to befuddled Missourians, we provide answers to the three most. frequently asked questions concerning our 14-billion-buck mess:

TOP 10 REASONS MISSOURI'S 15-YEAR ROAD PROGRAM CAME UP $14 BILLION SHORT:

10. Missouri Transportation Department's only calculator ran out of paper.

9. Assistant Chief Engineer in charge of estimating project costs was home sick when program was finalized.

8. Hearing impaired Highway Department comptroller thought the estimate was $14 million.

7. Some engineers were distracted by Highway Commission's reference to the 15-Beer Road Plan.

6. Freshmen engineers who had just graduated from Rolla immediately launched 15-Beer Plan at Flo's Bar & Grille.

5. Liaison engineer to the office of Governor got lost between headquarters building and Capitol.

4. Governor's liaison officer with Department of Transportation got lost between Capitol office and MoDOT headquarters.

3. Former Gov. John Ashcroft's demand that every construction project include gospel quartets was never removed from plan.

2. When Chief Engineer delivered word of shortfall to Gov. Mel Carnahan, he thought the chief executive merely had his eyes closed.

1. Someone forget to compute the cost of concrete in the original plan.

TOP 10 SUGGESTIONS FOR RAISING THE NEEDED $14 BILLION REQUIRED TO FUND THE 15-YEAR ROAD PLAN:

10. Cut costs by adopting Sen. Bill Kenney's plan to use convict labor for state projects.

9. Charge admission at all future Department of Corrections executions.

8. Ask Treasurer Bob Holden for a $14 billion loan and then forget to sign IOU.

7. Ask former Attorney General Bill Webster to head a Second Injury Highway Fund.

6. Sell the Executive Mansion and put up the First Family in a Super 8 Suite.

5. Promise that the first contract will be a superhighway that leads from Legislative Chambers to Jefferson City Country Club.

4. Reinstate the hearing-impaired engineer who can't hear the difference between "million" and "billion."

3. Ask former Speaker Bob Griffin for the name of a big corporation willing to pay bribes.

2. License gambling companies to operate slot machines at all highway rest stops.

1. Put Sen. Jet Banks in charge of all 15-Year Plan project bookkeeping.

TOP 10 REASONS MISSOURI DOESN'T NEED A 15-YEAR ROAD PLAN IN THE FIRST PLACE:

10. By year 2012, most Missourians' cars will be owned by members of the Missouri Gaming Association.

9. Wal-Mart plans to begin construction of toll roads connecting company's stores in the state.

8. Missouri Transportation Department will charge discrimination and request federal court intervention and supervision.

7. All construction contracts leading into disappearing City of St. Louis can be canceled by year 2010.

6. Rapid rise in popularity of sports vehicles will permit motorists to travel around the state on cow paths.

5 . Judge Russell Clark will order state to spend its highway taxes on driving schools in Kansas City and St. Louis.

4. Highways will become so crowded that motorists driving passenger cars will stop using them, turning roads over to semi-trailers.

3. Gov. Carnahan will name a Total Transportation Commission II to study why first commission recommendations were rejected.

2. Highway engineers will find more gainful employment selling computer systems to the state.

1. State Auditor Margaret Kelly will order cancellation of road plan because printed forms for contracts were not bid.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.