MISSOURI WATCH: THE ORACLE OF PECULIAR LOOKS AT 1999

This year started as all the rest, as I made my way over icy roads to the small town in Missouri called home by the Oracle of Peculiar, the man who possesses the uncanny faculty for predicting the future. As in times past, I found him huddled in his somber robes, sitting at the very peak of the Ozarks' All-Knowing Mountain, waiting to be interviewed on the events that would occur over the next year in the Show-Me State.

"Where have you been?" he asked in angry, accusatory tones, as he greeted me atop the high peak, clad only in his usual attire of gray robes favored by the Dalai Lama and a bright red hunting cap, its earflaps hanging down.

"I apologize for being somewhat late," I said in the usual reverential tones I always reserve for the Oracle of Peculiar, who will speak to no one who calls him the Peculiar Oracle. "But I ran into slick highways coming up here and my car slid off the highway several times this morning."

"I could have told you that," he snapped, "if you had had the presence of mind to call to inquire about highway conditions. Didn't you ever hear about the Transportation Department's toll-free number?

"I'm very sorry, Oracle of Peculiar," I murmured in the best apologetic voice I could muster in the bitter cold.

"Sorry won't cut it," he responded angrily. I guess you just expect me to sit here all winter long while you merrily slide all over slick roads and leave me waiting here, wondering if you took a wrong turn for the Peculiar turn-off at Tightwad. I may have caught my death of cold," he complained.

"Could we just get on with your predictions, Oracle?" I asked pleadingly.

"All right, all right," he said. "The sooner I get through with you, the sooner I can get to my Alka Seltzer. Well, for starters, John Ashcroft isn't going to run for President next year." The Oracle looked pleased with himself as he turned to watch my expression.

"I know that, and so does everyone else in Missouri. He made the announcement he wasn't running the other day in Springfield," I said.

"Damn!" the Oracle shot back. "You can't trust certain politicians to keep their mouths shut. If I've told John once I've told him a hundred times, 'Stay with the program, John, don't get out ahead of the wise men.' But do you think he pays any attention? Not on your life!"

"Let's move on, Oracle," I said as subtly as possible.

"All right, all right. Well, John Ashcroft is gong to run for re-election and Mel Carnahan is going to run against him. How do you like them apples?"

"We already know that, Oracle," I said hesitatingly. "Mel's already announced he's going to run for Ashcroft's seat in the Senate. Tell me something I don't know."

"Okay, Bob Holden, the state treasurer, is going to run for governor, and if I read the leaves correctly, I think the young Republican, congressman Jim Talent, is also going to be a candidate, depending on how much support he can muster. What do you think of that?"

"Well, frankly, Oracle, just about everyone in the state is aware of Bob Holden's candidacy and the possibility of Jim Talent declaring for governor. Haven't you got anything no one has thought of, like how Bill Clinton will fare in the Senate impeachment trial or who will run for president next year, stuff we don't already know."

"Give me a minute to think," the Peculiar resident muttered. "Do you know that Margaret Kelly is retiring?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course I know that, everybody does."

"Well, I'll bet everyone doesn't know that Jay Nixon is going to run for governor," he said with a self-satisfied grin on his face.

"Don't try to sell me that old story again," I replied. "I bit when you called me some time ago to predict Nixon would leave the attorney general's office and run for governor and then, lo and behold, several days later he said he would run for another term as A.G."

"Well, even Oracles make mistakes," he responded sadly.

"What do you say we focus on more important matters that affect the way Missourians live and earn a living and raise their children," I suggested helpfully.

"All right, if you insist, but it's more fun talking about politicians thank some of those public policies you write about all the time. Booooooring," he said, laughing in derision. "Well, if you want that kind of stuff, I'll give you a few juicy tidbits about the General Assembly."

"Shoot!" I said.

"Well, for one thing, they're going to spend the next four and a half months arguing over tax rates, education programs, health coverage, aid to cities, aid to small towns, desegregation, charter schools, taxes, abortion, crime, prisons, longer sentences, computer blackouts, help for hog farmers, highway improvement plans, tax refunds, and just about everything else anyone could imagine, including gambling, blood alcohol testing, health maintenance organizations, taxes, utility deregulation, flood control, economic development, unemployment insurance for the lieutenant governor, taxes, and taxes."

"I notice you mention taxes more than once," I said.

"So do the members of the Legislature," the Oracle said. "But you'll have to admit that I covered the bases pretty well. I've listed just about every subject this year's session will cover."

"Well, you've also listed just about every subject in the book," I replied cynically. "They'll never resolve in those problems."

"What are you trying to do, take over my shtick as Oracle?" the wise man shouted angrily as he quickly descended the top of All-Knowing Mountain.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.