MISSOURI WATCH: THE DAY CONGRESS IMPEACHED SANTA

(Scene: House Judgmental Committee hearing on the matter of impeachment of St. Nicholas, a.k.a. Santa Claus)

CHAIRMAN HANK HIDE: Members of the House Judgmental Committee, we are gathered here today to consider the question of impeaching an American icon, Mr. Saint Nicholas, sometimes referred to as Santa Claus, by referral of consideration to the matters therein, and report our findings to the Members of Congress at the earliest possible date prior to the twenty-fifth day of December, 1998. Please listen to the articles of impeachment as read by the Clerk.

COMMITTEE CLERK: The matter of impeachment relating to St. Nicholas, a.k.a. Santa Claus, a.k.a. Santa, as sent to the House of Representatives by Mr. Chamber Star, includes evidence to show that Defendant Claus has engaged in fraudulent promises to millions of small and underage children in the United States, as well as elsewhere in the universe, promising them lavish gifts each year without regard to cost to American taxpayers; that Defendant Claus, while making promises under oath that he knew he could not honor did engage in numerous illegal and immoral acts, including promiscuous underpayment of employees under his direct control, and held unscheduled and secret meetings with said employees to discuss unknown subjects; that Defendant Claus has continued to deny any illegal acts with employees and has so sworn in meetings with the National Labor Relations Board, the Federal Wage and Hour Agency and the U.S. Consumer Safety Council. It is, therefore, the recommendation of the office of Chamber Star said defendant be impeached, removed from office and isolated until such time as members of Congress decide he will no longer conduct nefarious activities with thong-baring females.

CHAIRMAN HIDE: Members have heard the charge presented by the honorable Public Prosecutor and the chair now calls for a complete, nonpartisan and independent discussion by committee members in the majority as well as distracting, totally irrelevant remarks by members of the minority. The chair recognizes the senior member of our panel, Bob Bare.

REPRESENTATIVE BARE: The charges forwarded to us by the Honorable Chamber Star are shocking, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful and call for an immediate impeachment of the defendant after due deliberation so that each of us can be seen and admired on TV by our constituents back home. I would move, Mr. Chairman, that after due deliberation, we vote impeachment within the hour so as not to delay any appearance members have scheduled at various fund raisers here in Washington, sponsored by the nation's leading toy manufacturers, wholesalers and retailers.

CHAIRMAN HIDE: Thank you, Rob Rare, er, Bob Bare, and the chair will be happy to comply with your nonpartisan request that we wrap up these hearings as quickly as possible. I might add that the Chair appreciates all the kind remarks offered by any member of our panel, so if you have anything critical to say about the Chair, I request that it be submitted in writing before any remarks are made. That way the Chair can make the necessary determination that said statements are irrelevant to the hearings I am so ably conducting. The Chair now recognizes one of the members of the minority, and because of his reputation for lengthy, often boring speeches on the floor of the House, the Chair requests that he limit his remarks to 30 seconds. The Chair recognizes Mr. Frank Barney.

REPRESENTATIVE BARNEY: Thank you, Mr. Chairman, for those kind words. Fellow Judgmental Committee members, we are gathered here today to consider the findings of Judge Chamber Star, who has been compiling a lengthy list of charges against an alien who annually visits the homes of millions of our constituents, leaving behind little more than worthless trinkets, dangerous toys, foreign-made dolls, bicycles, clothing and other unlicensed items. We have been asked by the Star Report to find these acts impeachable, and as tempting as this may be, the minority members feel that rather than impeachment, the items should be censored. This would permit the items to be retained, upon parental discretion and permission, but said items should never be verbally identified, in other words, censored.

CHAIRMAN HIDE: Is the member suggesting that we censor all the egregious acts of St. Nicholas, acts which range from engaging in immoral interlocution to clumsy attempts to show private production parts to secret trysts in the Square Office?

REPRESENTATIVE BARNEY: Yes, Mr. Chairman, this is the minority view, as I see it. We do not believe this defendant should suffer the humiliation of any immorality, that the defendant has suffered long enough, and that his name should never be embarrassingly linked with members of Congress who fritter away billions of dollars in unnecessary but politically popular federal projects. Who does he think he is, Congress?

REPRESENTATIVE BARE: Well, the majority can certainly appreciate the views of the minority, even if we have not the slightest intention of paying any attention to them. The majority welcomes the idea of censorship, which we can include in the articles of impeachment that we have already decided to approve. Mr. Chairman, I move we impeach Santa Claus!

CHAIRMAN HIDE: The chair declares members hereby recommend full impeachment, as will now be confirmed by voting. All those in favor of impeachment, say You Bet!

COMMITTEE MEMBERS: We Bet!

CHAIRMAN HIDE: Santa is now impeached, which means that he must immediately vacate his premises, cease and desist his immoral interlocution and stop calling himself Santa Claus. We officially declare that no individual shall henceforth be known by that name, which is hereby reserved for the 535 members of Congress. This committee stands adjourned until Newt leaves.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.