MISSOURI WATCH: THE DAY AMERICA WAS RESTORED: ALESSON IN ANGST

Like killer bees and bollworms, the deadly American Angst spread across the nation just as citizens were getting comfortable with the 21st century. The Angst, first identified in the mid-1990s by social scientists at several universities, was originally believed to be harmless to the health of the nation, but the tenacious virulence of the virus eventually convinced most researchers that not only was the disease immune to repellents, its dangerous side-effects could mark the beginning of the end of the USA as it was then known.

The disease was first reported in several locales, so its birthplace is not exactly known, even at this date. Angst traces were found in such diverse locales as Los Angeles, New York City, Virginia and even the District of Columbia. Symptoms of the disease were similar in all locations, and quickly became recognizable and easily diagnosed. In its earliest stages, victims were melancholy, distrustful and irritable, particularly toward any official action taken by municipal, county, state and federal governments.

In the secondary stage, these symptoms would be more than brief, temporary manifestations, turning into permanent characteristics of the victims. By the time the tertiary stage had evolved, the victims were not only irritable, they were highly agitated and extremely vocal against any and all forms of government. The more Angst permeated the bodies of the victims, the more prone they were to direct action, sometimes even armed intervention against their imagined enemies in all levels of government.

Scientists suggested that the best treatment for the disease was total abstention by the victims of any news or information about governments, although they quickly admitted there was no permanent cure and none could be found in scores of research laboratories. By isolating Angst victims from all knowledge about their elected governments, scientists believed the seriousness of the illness could be mitigated, so all columnists and commentators were taken out and shot.

Despite several years of intensive research by the nation's best political scientists, American Angst spread across state borders until by the year 2010, it had permeated every town and village in the country. As an emergency measure, clinics to deal with victims' symptoms were established by city and county governments, a move which only served to incite riots in scores of communities around the U.S. Even turning the clinics over to private corporations failed to alleviate the Angst since initial remedies had been launched by political jurisdictions.

By the year 2015, surveys revealed that more than 80 percent of the American public had come down with the Angst, which now was spreading so fast that elected officials, from aldermen to congressmen, were given unlisted telephone numbers and placed in witness protection programs established by the Red Cross and Salvation Army. Local and state governments asked for the help of both charities in an effort to keep the disease symptoms to a minimum. Candidates for local and county offices campaigned under assumed names and wore masks to protect their families from retaliation.

By the year 2020, faced with a critical shortage of competent individuals to fill public offices, numerous municipal and state positions were eliminated. At first, jobs that were relatively unimportant, such as lieutenant governor, were voted out of existence, but this failed to ameliorate the malady's afflictions, and eventually the only persons left in city halls, courthouses and capitols were custodians who were permitted to carry weapons.

Within five years, as governmental centers in all 50 states were closed, the Angst had reached every household in America. Elections were canceled, taxes went uncollected, and public schools were closed. During the initial stages of the disease, crime seemed to wither and almost die, as heavily armed victims went on hunting sprees for anyone violating the law. But vigilante efforts reached such an extreme that anyone driving faster than 25 miles an hour was often shot on sight by an Angst carrier.

As roads deteriorated to become impassable, entire communities were often destroyed by rampaging fires that went uncontrolled because there were no longer any fire departments. With no police protection, no schools to care for children and no tax funds available, even those who had escaped the symptoms of Angst were displaying the characteristics of the disease.

"At last," Angst victims declared, "we have restored America to its original state: a vast uncivilized wasteland."

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.