MISSOURI WATCH: REVOLUTIONS CAN BE REVOLTING

REPUBLIC OF COLOMBIA -- An uneasy truce still hangs over this small island-nation, located off the Hinkson Gulf, following a series of pitched battles that thus far have signaled only an uncertain future for democratic reform.

Although the duly elected Chancellero is still in office, a spokesman for the army that calls itself the Academica Freedom Fighters says the embattled official is not overly optimistic that he will be able to retain office through his official term. "We just don't know whether el Chancellero will be around to cheer on our championship soccer team when it takes the field this fall," the communications director said.

Positioned against the Academica Fighters, a small group of patriots who have had almost no battle training and view warfare as uncivilized, is the well entrenched El Curache Nuevo, which has held power in Colombia for more than a century. The El Curaches represent all nine tribes of the nation and have resisted all past efforts to overthrow the established order of the island-nation.

Under the constitution that was adopted more than 50 years ago, the El Curaches have vested power to control all activities within the Dominionato Mizzou, including the right to select both the el Chancellero and his boss, el Presidente Grande. The cumbersome chain of command extends even further, since the nine El Curaches are individually chosen by the Republic Governero.

To complicate matters further, under the 1945 constitution, once the Governero selects and installs the nine El Curaches, he is powerless to influence their decisions and must acquiesce to their rule-making authority, just as is required of el Presidente Grande and el Chancellero.

Although the selections for El Curaches must be approved by the Republica Assemblica, this has more often than not been automatic and little has been made of the perfunctory ceremony that was originally designed to assure popular approval of the powerful El Curaches.

Trouble first began when some El Curaches voiced displeasure with certain internal policies that had been installed by el Chancellero. When the two groups met, some El Curaches expressed their displeasure and suggested that it might be healthy for the official to leave, like as early as manana. Like several of his frequent predecessors, el Chancellero said his accusers were simply trying to turn the Governmento Mizzou into something resembling a Banana Republica. The embattled official noted that he had been chosen to install some degree of permanence in an office that has been vacated many times as a result of revolutionary movements, most of them believed to have been hatched by the powerful El Curaches, although a spokesman for the group said the numerous coups had only served to improve the quality of life on the island and had worked to assure stability within the Peoples' Assemblica.

Faced with revolts from several quarters, including the state assembly as well as from rank-and-file members of the revolutionary force, the Academica Fighters, the ruling Governero summoned various leaders, as well as highly placed El Curaches, in a behind-the-scenes attempt to restore law and order and quiet restless natives, whose nightly drum beats could be heard as far away as the Governero mansion across the gulf.

Although his official spokesman has denied reports, it is widely believed that el Governero threatened to call out territorial warriors to restore peace and keep the events off the nightly drums. He is also believed to have told various El Curaches that they were stirring more problems just as provincial elections were approaching. He warned that if elections turned out badly, several of the El Curaches would no doubt be targeted for attacks from radical elements within the Academica. One person who attended the meeting said el Governero also lamented that slippery banana peels were making the island political races extremely hazardous.

A United Nations spokesman announced the world peace organization, meeting in emergency session, has voted to send an inspection team to the island to determine if conditions are as bad as reported. The spokesman said the early reports were so serious that representatives from a United Nations unit, the NCAA, may constitute the official inspection team. Word of this threat sent waves of panic through the island and brought reassurances from all factions that "peace is at hand."

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.