MISSOURI WATCH: PRESS 1 FOR GOVERNMENT

Voice Mail, which is today's electronic term for receiving information over the telephone by punching various numbers on the dial, has proved to be so popular with private industry that it won't be long until we citizens will be forced to deal with governments with our index finger. In the past, many of us have reserved our middle finger for politicians, so it will be nice to make the digital transition.

Anticipating the day Missouri's political jurisdictions install Voice Mail to deal with the public, I've decided to offer a proposed Voice Mail menu for several governmental entities to handle some of the public's concerns and questions. Here are some of my suggested menus:

Missouri General Assembly

Phone 1-800-HOT-AIRE

You have reached the official telephone of the Missouri General Assembly. No one is available at the moment, so please listen carefully to the following instructions and select the one which fits your question. And thank you for calling your elected representatives who are momentarily out to lunch.

-- Press 1 if your hometown would like to be considered for the 52nd prison Missouri plans to build this year.

-- Press 2 if you have an exotic insect, plant or rodent you want the Legislature to designate as the official one.

-- Press 3 if you have an unbelievably dull life and have nothing better to do than come to Jefferson City and watch a session of the General Assembly.

-- Press 4 if you would like the General Assembly to issue a proclamation honoring one of your remote relatives who accomplished something of total insignificance.

-- Press 5 is you would like to sponsor a lobster and champagne orgy for all members of the Legislature.

-- Press 6 if you can guarantee that there will be no reporters present at the lobster-champagne orgy.

-- Press 7 if you have any idea how to increase the salaries of minimum-wage members of the Legislature without getting every member booted out of office.

-- Press 8 if you are willing to promise not to run against any present member of the General Assembly.

-- Press 9 if you have any idea how we can end the present law on term limits.

Thank you for calling the Missouri General Assembly. Remember our slogan: "We listen, even if we can't hear you."

Missouri Lobbyist Association

1-800-FRE-BOOZ

Thank you for calling the Missouri Lobbyist Association. Our toll-free number is programmed not to accept calls from the Missouri Ethics Commission or the FBI.

-- Press 1 if you would like to attend the next party we throw for members of the General Assembly.

-- Press 2 if you know a legislator who wants to be invited to lunch.

-- Press 3 if you own a resort, golf course or lake cabin we can use to entertain legislators.

-- Press 4 if you would like to run for the General Assembly and need a contribution.

-- Press 5 if you promise to stay bought after we buy you.

-- Press 6 if you would like- to take a legislator to lunch and mention our clients.

-- Press 7 if you would like one of our members to represent you in Jefferson City.

-- Press 8 if your company is capitalized for more than $100 million. (This selection guarantees an immediate response.)

-- Press 9 if you know something unsavory about any public official in Jefferson City.

Thank you for calling 1-800-FRE-BOOZ. The beeps you might have heard during this call were the result of turbulent weather and not a recording device.

University of Missouri

1-800-MIZ-ZOOO

This is the toll-free telephone of the University of Missouri with campuses in Columbia, Rolla, Kansas City, St. Louis, Paris, Peculiar and Tightwad, Mo. We are the oldest land grant college west of the Hinkson River and have been churning out graduates since Daniel Boone flunked his SAT test.

-- Press 1 if you have ever played football and weigh at least 135 pounds.

-- Press 2 if would like to play big-time college football and would like one of our coaching staff to recruit you in a neat Tiger-emblazoned pickup truck.

-- Press 3 if you have ever spent one day coaching a football team, and please include any Little League experience.

-- Press 4 if you would like to try your hand at coaching at Old Mizzou, also known among some of our less learned alumni as Ol' Mizzou.

-- Press 5 if you have had any kind of accounting experience and are calling about a job in our business office.

-- Press 6 if you have any information on the rumor that Stan Kroenke has bought 30 percent of the university.

-- Press 7 if you would like to be the next university president or wish to be included in the next group permitted to meet Norm Stewart personally.

-- Press 8 if you're applying for an opening on the faculty or the Golden Girls.

-- Press 9 if you believe M.U. curators should be high school graduates.

Thank you for calling. If you are a member of the Nebraska football team, call Larry Smith collect, day or night.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.