MISSOURI WATCH: MISSOURI'S SUMMER BOOK LIST

The practice must have been started by some book publisher flack trying to beef up his company's sales during vacation/slow-sales months. Each year at this time, magazines that run the gamut from "Slime" to "U.S. Nudes & World Retort," list new-book releases for summertime reading, each designed to make citizens better informed and/or more entertained and/or more confused than ever.

What has been lacking to date is a summer book list compiled exclusively for readers in the Show Me State, and so we proudly introduce the First Annual Just-Published Books-Which-You-Can-Turn-To-Anytime-Your-TV-Set-Tube-Blows-Up or Dad-Had-a-Golf-Course-Tantrum-and-Threw-Away-His-Clubs-So-There-Is-Nothing-Left-to-Do List.

If you still recall that ancient skill you learned in the first grade, also known as reading, here's a summertime book reading list compiled especially for Missourians:

AN APPLE IN EVERY EYE, A PRISON ON EVERY CORNER

By Lockum Upp, Ph.D. Published by Penal Press 356 pages.

Here's a book you can't put down, mainly because it comes with a free bonus: a pair of handcuffs that connects you with the cover and doesn't uncouple until you finish the last page. Dr. Upp, a criminologist with impeachable credentials, offers his time-tried methods for reducing crime, making neighborhoods safer and brewing a good cup of coffee. After spending 25 years at a maximum security prison in Missouri, the author gives a bird's eye view of conditions behind bars. (He wastes no time with excessive verbiage and tells readers "It was a nightmare.") Dr. Upp offers a new and unique way for states to handle the nagging problem of crime: "Build more prisons, even if you have to build one on every street corner. Think of all the bricklayers, carpenters and politicians this will employ. Not only will state unemployment go down, each prison will automatically reduce the number of people seeking gainful employment." Obviously, this is must-reading for every state official in Jefferson City. Retails for $150.00, which the author explains is the wholesale cost of the free handcuffs.

HOW TO RESTORE OUR DECAYING CITIES By Sidney Planner. Published by Myopic Press 32 pages

The author, the city planner who first proposed an end to flood protection along the Missouri and Mississippi rivers, offers his brilliant insight into how to restore the state's decaying urban areas. Although a relatively short book, it is complete with photos of cities along the state's major rivers that showed no evidence of flooding. Fortunately, all of the pictures were shot before 1993. Planner's recommendations for blighted areas in St. Louis, Kansas City and other cities is brilliantly concise: "Blow 'em up!" Retails for only $19.95 without tax, but readers are advised the cost may be more if their supermarket doesn't believe the book is a food item.

LOBBYING CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH

By Hank Hadacol, M.D. Published by HMO Press 189 pages.

After years of research, this distinguished state university researcher announces the biggest medical news to hit Jefferson City since the Flu Epidemic of 1914: lobbyists are twice as likely to have fallen arches as representatives and six times more likely than senators. Through exhaustive testing, Dr. Hadacol found that women legislators and male lobbyists suffered equally from corns and bunions, but the former wore twice as much jewelry while the latter preferred boxer shorts to jockey briefs. For an undercover view of political health hazards, don't miss this revealing book. Published on paper recycled from old statute books. Price: $1.95.

I NEVER MET A LOBSTER I DIDN'T EAT

By Claud Digit. Published by Peculiar Press 1,895 pages.

The author discusses the evolution of an ancient crustacean to a modern crustacean, warning that its mere mention in connection with the words free and dinner has brought extreme discomfort to many public officials. This widely heralded chef from Peculiar warns that Jefferson City restaurants undercook and overcharge for fish that is actually carp. Must reading for political science seniors. Priced daily at market value.

Jack Stapleton of Kennett is editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.